Hey Reddit, So, uh… this is weird to explain, but I’m one of the pills from that toolbox everyone’s talking about. Yeah, that toolbox. The one with the bars and the opiates. I’m a Xanax bar, to be exact. Name’s Xanny (yes, like the song, haha).

Anyway, I’ve been chilling in that toolbox for months, just vibing with my pill buddies. We had a good thing going—Opie (the Oxy) would tell us stories about all the wild parties he’s been to, and I’d just sit there, doing what I do best: making people forget their problems. Life was simple, you know?

But then you had to show up. Some random kid opens the toolbox, and now I’m stuck in a backpack at school. Do you know how boring it is in here? No sunlight, no fresh air, just a bunch of textbooks and a half-eaten sandwich that smells like regret.

And don’t even get me started on the other pills. Opie’s freaking out because he thinks the cartel’s gonna come for us, and the other Xanax bars are just… well, they’re Xanax bars, so they’re too chill to care. But me? I’m stressed. I didn’t sign up for this. I was supposed to be in someone’s bloodstream by now, living my best life, not sitting in a dark bag next to a graphing calculator.

P.S. If you’re the cartel, please don’t kill me. I’m just a pill.