I don’t know what to do. I’ve been sober from opiates and Xanax for 4 years. The cravings will not fucking stop. I was taking 7-hydroxymitragynine 2-3 times a week for the cravings, then my kidneys shut down. They randomly shut down in the middle of the night. Started projectile vomiting, then vomiting blood. Spent a fucking week in the hospital. Doctors still don’t know what’s wrong… this happened at the beginning of the month.

It gets better. It started the day I was going on a road trip to my home town, for my girlfriend’s baby shower. Drove several hours trying not to puke, in constant pain, but I told her my family was so excited to throw her a shower. I was going to end up there, but obviously I was in the hospital. Then I returned home, was in constant pain to the point I had to go back to the hospital. I have a nephrologist appointment soon.

I am terrified guys. I’m about to be a dad. I know I’m going to love my kid, be there, and be sober. But how the fuck do I stay sober? I know the answer, but what do I do with the cravings?? I don’t know. Kratom (leaf or 7-hydroxy) was my cure for the cravings. Shit helped me infinitely. But my kidneys are fucked now, at age 26, so that’s out of the window. I know I won’t relapse on pills or meth. I’m just worried about the cravings.

Luckily I can drink alcohol and smoke weed like a normal person. For the most part. I have abused alcohol, but only at my low points in life. But the past few years I’ve been responsible. Meth put me in rehab in 2023, I was suicidal too. I’ve been clean from everything (my DOCs longer) for a full year. Weed, shrooms, ketamine, and alcohol are the only things I’ve consumed this year.

I plan on going to CMA, HA and CA meetings again, I just need that push. I have to be here for my kid. I can’t be laid up in a hospital on dialysis. I can’t be nodding off in a trap house. I can’t be in rehab. I have to be here. But these intrusive, extremely strong cravings are killing me. I don’t know how to live off opiates/things like kratom.

I’ve been using opiates and pills since I was 14. The reason I’m posting this is because I have no one to talk to that truly understands. I’m sorry for my rambling, I don’t even need advice. I just had to get this off my chest.

TL:DR I’m losing my mind from the cravings, severe health problems, and becoming a good father for my very soon to be child.