Hi all!

I'm looking for some advice here. I'm F24 - not sure why I think thats relevant but perhaps so you're able to see a person behind this text. I've always been someone who craves quick dopamine hits (been diagnosed with ADHD). So if you haven’t guessed yet, I got into drugs quite early on. I've tried the normal party drugs and the 'harder' ones but they've never felt like something I need regularly or dependently, unlike alcohol, but thats a whole different topic. I hold a reputable job and take pride in my appearance, morals and how I affect the people around me. But clearly I have an addictive personality.

Ok, so that's all the irrelevant info on who I am. Now here's my issue. About a year ago my ex got me into smoking meth. It was always recreational and very rarely. I remember people telling me to be careful. I was always aware that its incredibly additive, but always felt I couldn’t smoke it unless I had some form of a downer to mellow me out a bit. Also after a night or two of using it, I never craved it again.

Meth is not something I EVER imagined myself doing more than just to try it. I will always do my best to avoid putting people into boxes, but I am really not the meth "type". That being said, I believe any stereotypes surrounding drugs is the fault of systematic, economic failure and PTSD. Not the person themselves. But ANYWAY, yes - I am not the meth type, in fact even the word meth feels horrible on my tongue.

This is where I've recently gone wrong. I've started buying my own supply. First it started off as 'I'm just going out for drinks, why not' to 'I have a heap of shit to get done, I need it'. It's only been about two weeks of consistent use, which I know is not too bad and I truly do have a cut off date etc, so I'm not too stressed about this becoming a long term problem.

BUT what I want to know is WHY the last few days of me smoking have I felt like absolute shit. I'm talking - can't fathom human interactions, can barely get myself to move locations in my house and also why am I so tired?! Is it the stuff I'm smoking? Is it to do with my antidepressants. Prior to these last few days, imagining how I'm feeling now would have been a joke. It never ever made me feel like this, It doesn’t even feel like a coke comedown, its just empty and mf lazy. I also dont have that feeling I get when I smoke too much and I feel like my heart is going to give out. I simply feel flat. So flat.

A side note here too - I am still taking my antidepressants and I'm sleeping properly every night. This has only started happening the last 4 days and I'm really not smoking too much. I need to know if this is a common/normal reaction. Everyone I have spoken in my small circle of users has said no. So WHY?!