Woke up yesterday morning with the massage :'im going to the police.' they were right you will end up in prison, on the streets or in jail if you have an addiction. What I need is to go back to rehab...

I am absolutely guilty. I did wrong. My good morals were inhibit because of my relapse. 2 weeks ago I survived another overdose attempt and now I'm facing prison. God works in mysterious ways. I guess I'm not done yet and need to speak the truth and face justice. I don't guess, I know, I feel.

After my recent attempt I woke up different. Suddenly my subconscious found peace with dying, but I also see that taking my soul out of this world is egocentric because I need to spread love to my loved ones. Help them out, listen to them and use my tongue in the right way.

This I didn't do. I was drunk. If I'm drunk the love fastly disappeares. I don't think clearly about others and I think to mutch about myself. I get lost in hednic lust. I want MORE. I want to kill my spirit as much as possible and then the devil takes over.

I wanted to do MDMA/xtc in new years Eve so bad. I wanted to party.

In August I went to rehab for my phenibut addiction. After this 4 moths of sobriety I finally felt like myself again and good. I won myself back, I accepted myself who I am, I finally was back able to cry sober and love myself and others again. The drugabuse induced severe depression was finally tame.

In rehab I posted on Facebook that I don't want to use drugs anymore and that I don't want anyone to help my out with seeking them. This having not much money leaded to that I asked literally everyone with a drug history if they can connect me or fix something if they could. I texted a friend who I know a long time from my local youth house who did rehab just before me.

I know he still smokes weed, but he passed the harddrugs. That was that I thought. He messaged me that he bought cocaine for his birthday. I don't know if this was the thought, but now sober I wish that it is a lie.

I didn't ask once, twice, I asked a lot and it all was much and wrong. When I did the attempt and I was just before passing out I went to his house and switched a placebo 'xanax' for a joint. If I think about this; I crossed a lot of lines.

My brother got hit by a drunken driver. He did a hit and run and I feel the psychology of fight or flight and I wished he did the flight only but he kept fighting till this day. I never understood why he didn't picked up the phone at home and called an ambulance. No he called the mechanic to fix the car ... He kept lying and lying and lying and so on.

Well I'm not so much different. I luckely never drove, but taking the bysicel with alcohol & Xanax in my blood isn't morally right ether! What if I got hit by a (not antisocial guy like the hit and run Ahole) person and he gets trauma?

Well I'm not so much different from the ahole. When I arrived at my friends place I lied also that is was xanax. & It doesn't end here. On my way back home I bought beer in the night shop and drank it on the parking lot. What if that beer was the last one needed to lose my self awernes? What if that happened and that leaded to unmoral behavior that I even know I'm capable of?

I had a big misstap that day. I have no excuses for this behavior. They just don't exist. I only can tell what was the first domino stone. My mom and I went to the lawyer for looking into the papers of the lawsuit. I get they seek justice, but I can tell everyone he gave trauma has way more suffer then him. The fine? Rediciliois. Jailtime? Let me say I face more with I did and c'mon he is the real monster!

I was that night broken, I snapped again. I have 0 excuses to involvebothers in drugs and especially someone with an addiction personality. Better said sickness. A sickness you can kill if you stay sober long enough from the devil. But what did my devil did? Seeking others to possibly relapse... Wtf I never thought I'm still that asshole...

I did A LOT of people much pain. Family and friends. Im his only friend and I still see him as a good friend. He called me on Christmas and I think he felt very lonely. I wanted to meet in the youth house but there werent any busses. My bycicle is broken. And inviting him over would be a risk. If my mom comes home it means trouble. She is very paranoia with friends she never saw. First thought of her would be 'dealer or user' but I didn't want any of that. I was sober that day, I just wanted him to tell him that I was not wrong once, twice but every time I asked him to fix or connect. I was sober and I wanted to spread love rather than lust. I didn't want him to feel alone on Christmas.

Addiction comes from trauma and the only way to fight this god damn demon is to accept adept reconnect and then be finally capebale to live others again. We need to work on ourselfs first before following the 12th step: helping others out. I was so far in those steps and with being stupid I'm back at 0.

Not this relapse but the one with my brothers accident was bc I didn't was able to cry with docs or nurses around. My brother had a lot of brain surgeries and 5 of them he was dying. Pupils wide, brain swelling, to much pressure in his head... It was awful... He luckely never was self aware of this but still... Seeing your brother sweating, shaking and dying... I couldn't cry and a lot of docs ended their talk with :'do you need a psychologist' I always told them 'just let me alone'. Then I burst when I was finally alone or after the operation with my brother holding his hand and praying.

He was like a father to me. He learned me the values & norms. He learned me to love. He was the only soul I had in my abusive household were we were viewed as a burden. He even saved my life. With my first OD he survived me... He never touched drugs and became a workaholic, I'm so glad he walked that path.

There was a lot of physical and emotional abuse. Thank you dad for insomnia, depression & drug addiction.

I chilled a lot with friends with addiction. It's always the same core. It's handle trauma's and pain. We feel normal when we use in active addiction, but it's NOT normal. I wanted to see him after my relapse day. Listening to his roots and talk about life.

Monday I'm gonna call the rehab, I need help (again). I mailed the advocate so the story is right in the details for a good justice from the judge. But if I'm honest, I hope his ?father? (I don't know who checked his Facebook) withdraw the complaint from the police so I can seek real help rather then prison were is no love. You need to keep your mouth shut. Can't talk about your problems with prisonmates. We're you get thrown by wolves, gangsters and antisocial people. And if he want to keep the complaint I hope the judge can send me to a detention house were I can work on myself better and chare love with other sick people with addiction who understand me... The only way out is if we help each other reasonabley.

I didn't learned my lesson with with all warnings in life yet. I have periods I'm walking the good path but again and again I snap if things get weird and I can't place my emotions... I was better after 4 months of sobriety and I throwed it all away with one night...

I hope his son is doing alright. He has a good father. One who protect him, one who cares for him. There is love in his house and that makes me happy.

God operate on mysterious ways...