Im begging you to tell me to stop taking cocaine and give me any and every reason why I should.

Backstory: After trying coke for the first time, I always said if I ever do coke again, I’m gonna end up with an expensive and nasty addiction to it. It was such an amazing experience that I started to think things I have never thought before: wow, I could do ANYTHING on this, I could get so much work done and finish so many of my projects. I should do EVERYTHING on coke.

This^{^} was my internal dialogue to myself during my first cocaine high, and as soon as it wore off, my thoughts became; WTF WAS I THINKING??? I CAN NEVER TOUCH THAT STUFF EVER AGAIN!

This was over 2 years ago, and I didn’t do cocaine a second time until September of this year. This time when I tried it again, it didn’t do that thing to me where it gave me “addict mind,” at least not at first.

I’ve had about 4 coke benders now since I started messing around with it back in September, and I always try my best to make sure I don’t lose more than one night of sleep on a bender, no matter what drug I’m on. I don’t pull these benders more than once a month and once I’m sober from a drug, it’s generally pretty easy for me to avoid using that drug again for long periods of time.

The issue occurs whenever I start a bender. I’ve gone on a coke bender before by accident bc I was only planning to use for one night, but once I start, I don’t wanna stop until I either; 1) notice the toll it’s taking on my body/health/wellbeing and say “okay this is enough.” 2) finish my whole stash early while still being too broke to buy more

Present: So this is where I’m at now; 2 day bender, it’s been almost 35 hours since my first line of coke, and I’ve been redosing consistently this whole time to keep a stable high throughout the day and not have my roomate notice. Now, the sun is about to rise, so I’m about to complete 2 all-nighters in a row, which is a huge no-no to me as someone who already suffers from insomnia.

The coke has a grip on me rn, and I have yet to find the courage to face this comedown and abandon the fake warmth that coke provides. I told myself this was my last line of cocaine for the week, 10 lines ago.

So the reason I’m writing this is bc earlier, during the day, I was snorting one line of coke about every 1-2 hours, but I started dosing myself with more lines faster and faster, later in the night. I started taking another line every 30 min, then every 15min and only 10 minutes between the two last lines that I took before writing this. I just spent almost an hour in the bathroom throwing up everything I ate today, which was barely anything, but Jesus Christ, I went from feeling on top of the world to sick and cracked out so suddenly. That’s what I get for testing my tolerance ig.

Btw, I only asked for 1g of coke, but I guess I call bro up so often that he decided to give me 3.5g this time and said I can pay him back for the rest later cuz he didn’t wanna keep going back and forth every time me or one of my friends need a gram of this shit. I gave away a quarter of a gram of it to a buddy of mine and I always offer and share with whoever I happen to be around when I’m using, cuz I’m not trying to do all of this by myself. I tried separating a half gram for myself so I could save the rest for later, but I blew thru that half gram so quickly yesterday that I gave up on measuring it and just started taking bumps straight out of the 🎱 bag. I have no idea how much coke I’ve taken after the first half a gram. I originally wasn’t trying to take more than a gram in one binge and I’ve probably already done nearly a full gram of coke, if not, more than that possibly.

If I was only given the amount I have paid for so far, I most likely would’ve ran out by now and would’ve been sobering up already due to circumstances. Instead, my bag of coke doesn’t look like it’s gonna run out anytime soon, and the coke keeps calling me back for more. So please, help me convince the cracked-out part of my brain that it’s not worth it to continue doing this to myself. I’ve already lost a lot of sleep, gave myself a nose bleed, and almost OD’d on coke, which caused me to puke up all of my stomach acid at 5am on some random Monday.

It did all of that to me…and yet, I STILL WANT MORE!

Tbh, I think once my roomate wakes up, imma have to hand her everything I have left of that 🎱 so I can’t access the rest of my stash until the right time.

Pray for me 🙏🏽