So I started using drugs when I was 14/15 and it quickly became everyday, it’s now been 3 years and I don’t really know what to do. Besides weed and alcohol (and adderall last winter) there’s not a ton of substances I’ve used in “dangerous” amounts on their own, but because of tendency to mix drugs (cocaine alcohol, ketamine adderall alcohol, Xanax cocaine, ketamine alcohol, dxm adderall and molly cocaine are the ones that come to mind) I tend to really hurt myself and put myself in positions where I’m extremely unhappy and out of it when I’m not using at least weed.

I always go back to phases of doing harder drugs/mixing drugs/drinking a ton like every 2 months or so it seems like (each phase of sobriety is becoming farther and farther apart). I tend to justify it because it’s not like I’m doing hard drugs everyday (most of the time) but it’s really affecting my life at this point.

I was fully sober for 2 weeks (the longest it’s ever been lol) in October but Nov 1st I drank and did coke and it went on from there. Since Nov 1st I’ve been smoking weed everyday, done coke 5 times, done mdma once, done ketamine 3 times, done acid once and drank like 4-5 times probably. I’m sure this doesn’t seem like a lot to most people but the crashes have been making it really hard for me to be stable and it sucks because I’m on meds that I actually like now (Wellbutrin hydroxyzine) but the drug use is making it less impactful and I can feel myself falling back into a depression, esp since Thursday when I mixed a decent dose molly on top of my coke.

I’m worried I’ll never feel whole or happy again and I hate that I can’t communicate with my family as much as I’d like or be as present as I want. I love them but I’m so numb and exhausted when I’m in active addiction. They know about my problem but they think I’ve only been smoking or drinking since May and I know it’d break their heart if they knew I was hiding this from them and I just can’t face that.

Also, it’s ruining my finances but that’s a given, I’m an adult now and actually need to save money for college but I only have about $200 to my name. I’ve spent at least $500 on drugs if I had to guess in the last 3 weeks (and constantly reassure my mom it’s just weed) and I just know this won’t work. I need a job again, I need stability and I want reassurance that I’ll be okay and feel happier and more present soon if I make better choices. I hope I haven’t fucked up my mental health for life.

Thank you for reading and if anyone has any thoughts or words of advice it’d mean the world. I know I’m dumb but I want to do and feel better so badly.