and ive been in self destruct mode since the other week where i lost someone i love. I am also awaiting convictions for possession of an imitation firearm , blank gun. And production a controlld substance. started getting spun and taking ghb and crack and it's been a very unstable stressful week causing me to have a mental breakdown, I've been unable to function and have stayed in my room in a random house share getting high and knocking myself out on ghb. I barely eat and stayed hydrated but somehow managed to avoid full blown psychosis. I've pushed away everyone I love again. I've been in recovery for 4 years now and I know alot of people and there's alot of love for each other. I was tweaking in an na meeting the other night like hitler and the Olympics and everyone was like wtf haha. But yeh I get clean and my mental health gets bad but I just need to be strong enough to get through it. Feelings won't kill me , my ABUSE of substances will. I know 3 people that have died I the past month. There alot more over the years. They dropping like flies over. I don't get much from drugs nowadays the negatives outweigh the positives. I thought I would have learned by now after dying twice being prison , been 8 psych wards , homeless. So many rock buttons but I don't learn. I'll end up like my dad who's alcoholism killed him. I'm in a shithole shared house , back to square 1 . I'm 24 now I've been using drugs since 15. I just need to work out what my best option is. I can move into a house where the landlord looks after me which is clean and safe environment. Or i can go to dryhouse residential rehab again. I'm just sick of failing. I've been in recovery 4 years now and I struggle so much with it. I hate myself , I hate my BPD and my thinking.. I feel like im cursed. I just did 2 huge lines and I'm throwing away the rest of my stash. Taking some ghb and having a finale. I'll probably have one last meth fueled porn session and call it a night. This drug used to be fun as did others , now on meth I act weird and turn retarded and Instead of meeting sex hookups like before I go past that and the drug eats all weight off me and I look unattractive and I dont bother seeing anyone for sex. I used to make raps and write lyrics for days on end and have fun. Now I'm like wtf this isn't the life I want , there's no benefits anymore.

7 days of using has messed my body and mind up so much. I just pray that life gets better somehow. I can't carry on being in and out of recovery. I thought I could stop giving a fuck and give up but I can't. I cant waste away my life living in shared houses around drugs and dodgy people. Talking shit and living from gyro to gyro thinking about the life I could have had if I listened and fought the pain of sobriety. I just need a release but that doesn't really work.

I'm a good person and I can do good but my mental health and addiction are a block. No confidence , don't like my body , full of anxiety , I get depressed , I withdraw , there's alot of shit .... And it passes me of when people in recovery see my relapse and have something to say about it. I feel like im controlled by my mental health and that controls me when I'm clean.

I have the option to move to a new city and live with a friend too. I just want a fresh start. I was heavily abusing substances since I was in school at 15 I was smoking spice in school then sleeping in class. Then came everything else. I feel like I've done some damage to my brain and that's why I'm like this. A fuck up who never learns and is always in void and unable to get my head round things.

Sorry to rant I just needed to release it.