Alright… this is going to be a clusterfuck of information but here it goes.

Lets start from the beginning, im 20 years old (just turned) and i have 9 people in my family including me. Back then (i am thinking of like elementary days) life seemed good. I wasnt the best in school but i made sure to pass my classes and did the best i could. And i would say at around 5th grade is when i started to understand what was happening around me

For starters, we had a good house, 4 stories with everyone having their own bedroom, it seemed like we were doing well as a family. Thats when i realized we werent. Its hard to get the timelines correctly but i remember it starting with my oldest sister, lets call her “E”. She was always there for me i remember any time as a kid i would get yelled at i would come running straight to her. Anyways, E started dabbling into heroin. And at the time i didnt know it was heroin but she would constantly be sleeping or standing and then would slowly slump over, and it scared me. My family would always get into arguments and i remember hiding in my room and crying because it was my sister and i would even get mad for obvious reasons. I remember her always going outside and meeting people a little down our road (just so you get an idea it was a rural area we lived about 15 min from the main city/downtown area) and would always come back inside and later on, i would see her sleeping. Fast forward a little and i remember her constantly overdosing. Our entire family panicking and crying while police barge into our house taking her and giving her narcan i believe. But this is where i realised what was going on, not exactly sure but i knew it was drugs. I was a kid but i wasnt dumb. Ive even saved her life before i remember something in my head was telling me “hey i want to go see what E is doing” and i walk outside to our back porch and there she was with a cigarette burning her and her face pale. I immediately ran to my mom and telling her what was happening. I dont want to waste too much time explaining about her but long story short she has constantly went to rehab but would never end up staying and went right back to her old ways. Mind you we had our oldest brother (now 28) doing heroin as well. He was the one that gave it to E as she has told me the story before.

Fast forward to around 7th grade i believe, we were starting to lose the house, my dads buisness was not going well and we struggled to make ends meet. Groceries for 9 people, clothes for school each year if needed, etc etc. and it seemed like everything was going to be ok but i remember cars coming to our house and taking pictures and stuff. Thats when i realized shit was getting real. My brother and sister(E) would steal my moms purses, shoes whatever it may be, sometimes my dads stuff but would always take a expensive designer bag or wtv and end up wither pawning it or whatever addicts to to get money. And the arguments… man i cant even think about it right now as im typing this but just know it was fucked. I also forgot to mention that at around 8th grade is when my brother her is the 2nd youngest lets call him “B” started to also dabble in heroin. It sucks man. Everything seemed it was going downhill. Remember this for later on. Eventually we lost the house when i was in the 9th grade i believe basically when i just started high school and man… it was bad. We had to sleep in my dads shop. Making sure the room we slept in was hidden. My mom, one of my other sisters(who never has done any of this) and her boyfriend were staying at their apartment. My sister E was living in the projects with her boyfriend who was also a user but he was a very nice guy may god rest his soul. She has a baby with him before he od’d and he went to another state to rehab but when he got there thats when he died. Anyways, me, my other brother B(not my oldest, but he is 1 year older than me and is the 2nd youngest) had to live in the shop. It was horrible, i cant even explain how i felt. Matress on the dirty ass floor, 2 reclining couches, and the main office wich had a couch and my dad slept on. We stayed there for around 2-3 months before we realised that it was too risky with customers and everyone finding out. So we decided to go to my sisters “E” house in the projects. And at around that time is when i realised my dad was drinking. I would see him not acting right and stumbling as well as the smell. That worried me. We were all crammed in this little “house” and i would always get a ride to school. It sucked because i couldnt tell any of my friends why i moved or where we moved i just kept quiet. I wasnt popular in school but everyone knew who i was one way or another. I was cool with basically everyone. I had my main friend group though. Anyways at around 10th grade i believe i was 16 or 17 im not too sure its all a blur, i remember a officer calling me out of class and long story short they told me that i could no longer go to school because they found out i wasnt living at my old address. I had to get picked up and it was all bizarre to me. Seemed unreal. My friends asked me why i wasnt going to school and i really couldnt tell them. I always made excuses.

Eventually we found a house for sale in the city and it was a apartment. There was a black family living in the bottom and we remodeled the top so we could live there. Mind you im not going to go into every detail im skipping over some things because this will take me hourssss to write. Eventually we got situated, me, my brother B, my sister E, my mom, my dad, and my oldest brother wich he doesnt play a huge part so i wont give him a code name but he has definitely had a story if that makes sense. The downstairs family we were trying to get rid of because they were nasty. The entire house had cockroaches i always heard them in the walls. I would wake up with cockroaches on my bed and immediately freak out and just… man i cant even think. You get the point. We eventually tricked her into signing papers to “get her water fixed” but it was really court documents saying she had been evicted or something like that, then we had peoppe clean the downstairs and dude… LITERALLY SHIT COVERED THE FLOOR. ACTUAL HUMAN FECES. i am not joking. We fogged the house for roaches as well and all of that. Now the house is good. But mind you i was still not going to school.

Now lets focus on B, my brother that is right above me in the “family chain” his drug issues were insane. I also forgot to say back at the old house i even had him stealing my birthday money, whatever was worth value in my room. Words cant explain how i felt. Anyways when he does heroin, its weird because yes he will nod here and there but he was energetic most the time. For some odd reason you can tell he was…. I cant think of a word but just picture a dude on crack but a little more mellowed-ish. So at first i didnt think it was heroin he was doing but found out later from my sister E that he was doing it. Man o man my parents were worried/mad/furious it was a shitball of emotions. Rehab never worked, locked him in the house, did literally everything we could to get him off but nope… nothing. He has overdosed a couple times but luckily he hasnt died. He too would also steal our familys stuff and go as far as begging us for money and it was clear what he would use it on but for whatever reason my parents always gave in. There is definitely alot more to talk about with him but i will save it as it would take way too long.

Fast forward i would say about 1-2 years ago, yes they still used drugs but it seemed life was steadily headed for the right direction. That was until i was riding my bike in the city, and i witnessed my dad cheating on my mom with some random girl in a car. My heart sank and he quickly peeeled off in the parking lot and i instantly started crying. I pulled to the side of the road and called my brother (not B, not the oldest, but the other brother i have not mentioned. He seems to be logical and handles everything carefully and i have alot of love for him)

Anyways i was on the phone with him and explained what just happened. I rememberhim saying something like “theres no way. Are you sure you saw what you saw? Are you 100000% sure?” And obviously im not blind or an idiot and was telling him yes yes yes. He told me to stay calm and to not do anything yet. He was trying to process whatever was happening. Anyways i get home, my dad was still not home and i remember just sitting in the vacant downstairs, just sitting. I was numb. Not sure what to do or feel or say. I dont even know how to explain it but i remember when he got home, i was checking the cameras and he was sitting on our front porch for like 20-30 minutes just pondering with his hands in his face and head down. Almost like he realized it was over and the mistake he made. I didnt tell my mother because, well i dont even know i just couldnt and my brother also told me to stay calm and to not do anything just yet. I was mad at my dad(still am) and my mom seen me upset/not how i usually am and always asked me what was wrong. I told her nothing and its ok. But one thing i remember was him trying to offer me like food money or whatever it may be and i would firmly decline and short responses. Mind you he would be drinking. One day while i was in a car at home, he asked me agressively something like “what did i do. Why are you mad” or something like that. I yelled louder and said something like “YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID. SAY WHAT YOU DID. THATS WRONG” and he yelled back “YOU ARE STUPID. YOU ARE GOING TO END UP JUST LIKE YOUR BROTHERS AND SISTER” and that shattered me. He walked away and i was fucking crying my eyes out and my sister (E) asked what was wrong and she has a big mouth so obviously i wouldnt tell her but i just said “its fucked, you dont want to know” and i went back inside and my mom asked me “what happened, why was dad yelling at you? Are you doing something too?” Referring to drugs and never in my life will i ever do anything like that. (I should have stated earlier that at around 9th grade i got into weed and have been smoking on and off till this day)

But back to the mom part, i told her nothing and its something else and she told me she was very worried for me. Not knowing what was wrong but i could tell she knew something wasnt right. Man my dad would drink and drink and drink. Arguing with my mom saying this and that and so badly i wanted to tell my mom but that would rip our family apart to shreds especially with the addictions and financial situation i was scared. Eventually i would say maybe 2-3 months passes and a word was still not said. Only me and my only good brother knew about this. My dads drinking just kept going by the way. Some days worse than others. He would also sleep on the couch.

Alright now is getting more recent, im going to skip a decent year or 2 just because it was the same bullshit that was going on. My dad eventually wanted to move his buisness to another state down south because i guess the buisness was better over there so he started renting a house and bought a shop on payments over there. He also took my brother “B” with him. My dad would sometimes come back from time to time for buisness purposes as we have stuff over here too so yk, it was complicated. My dad and mom hate eachother by the way, so imagine if i said something about him cheating… anyways he wanted to move our family down there saying life is nice over there. Dont get me wrong i am still mad about him cheating but he is the main income of the family and as a “kid” i have no choice but to have to reason and bite my tongue. Anyways 2 weeks ago i decided to help out with his buisness and try my best to ignore the past, shut my mouth, and come down here to try to focus on whats important. I got here at around the start of december and before i came i thought my brother “B” was clean and off of the drugs as he told me he only smokes weed now. I also thought my dad has stopped drinking. Anyways we get here, and the next day we wake up and my dads shop was robbed. Everything. They took literally anything that was worth a good chunk of money and it just broke me. I couldnt believe it. Its almost like they knew exactly where to look and the time of night knowing no one would be there. We filed a police report and they came and dusted for fingerprints but didnt find anything. We gave them all serial numbers/info abt the items and they said if they catch the guy or person who did this then they would let us know obviously. Thats when things ONCE AGAIN went sideways. He started drinking heavily to the point where he didnt know were he was (the day after it got robbed) and me and B where trying to find his location. Mind you he lost his ipad he told us that on the phone and he has no sort of direction. And mind you he always knows his way back home regardless. But long story short we got the location after he asked a store and we told him to wait there. We hopped in one car and went to go get him and when we pulled up he was slumped over the steering wheel and i have never seen him like that. My brother B told him to get in with him and i hopped in his car, we went to the shop to make sure it was locked as well and then we drove 45 min back to the house. Now he has been drinking heavily every day. EVERY DAY. We pulled up to the shop the next day because he woke up earlier than us and i see him sleeping on the floor under a car. And i was like what the fuckkk is going on. We wake him up and he said something like “im almost done with this car and it will be ready” when it was clearly not. I wont go in depth but you get the point hopefully. Things were bad. Now a day or 2 later, and mind you, i thought my brother B was clean. He asked me if i wanted to smoke and i said yea. He told me to wait and he will roll it up in the room to save time and i was on the way home after grabbing a bite to eat. I walk into his room and he was passed out with a needle right next to him. Again, ive been dealing with this my whole life so the emotion i was feeling is just shock/upset somewhat to the point of numbness… i cant even grasp it. I was standing over him just thinking what to do. He was breathing and everything so he was ok, but i grabbed the needle very very carefully and threw it out. I tried to find his drugs but i couldnt. But man that just pissed me the fuck off. I hate seeing people on drugs it makes me mad and i know they cant help it but… man i dont even know how to explain it as i write this. The pain is unexplainable. I texted him after i threw it out saying “nice needle, i thought u were clean but i guess not. Insane.” After 2hrs ish, i heard him get up so i was pretending to sleep in my room and he walked it and tried to wake me up. I “woke up” realistically and was like acting groggy on purpose and saying “what” in a slight agressive attitude and he goes “where did you put it” and i go “put what” and he snaps “YOU KNOW WHAT” kinda quietly tho to not wake my dad and i just go “nowhere, your an idiot B the biggest idiot i know” i used different wording because i dont want to get banned but the word started with a R. Anyways after that he slammed the door shut. I heard him walking around trying to find the needle that i stuffed in the trash, and i hesrd the sink running and realised he probably found it and was cleaning it off. At that point i just couldnt even think and slept it off. and from there on my dads drinking stayed on the same worse level, i would pour out any bottles i find around the house hidden, or in his car. theres definetly alot of details im missing but its just so late and going into everything would take probably all day to explain. eventually i call my wise brother and i cant help but cry, i never cry but something in me just snapped i couldnt take it anymore. i thought coming here would be different and no matter what i do or where i go it seems i cant escape this. i am now planning to grab a plane ticket and go back home to my mother and my wise brother has been with me calling every step of the way. he told me if i need to i can move in with him and his wife just so i can get away from this, hopefully get a fresh start, and focus on my future.

its currently 1:45am as i type this and i started typing at around 12:00am so you can see why i skip over months or even a year or 2 in context. by the way i drove my car over here that i ended up selling because i fixed it up and was planning to sell it anyways.

life is so fucked. i know some other people have it worse and thats why i try my best to keep my head up. have you ever been so sad you cant even cry anymore? as i type this i just feel empty, powerless, ignored. i dont even know how to explain it. |||||Any questions about any time frame or any point feel free to ask. ill try my best to be open like a book||||

now my question for you guys is what would you do in my situation? like i am lost. i have somewhat of an idea of what to do as i said above but man… i care about my family. even my brothers and sisters who some of them do drugs i can understand it somewhat. i have never done any hardcore drugs and NEVER will because of the trauma i have seen first hand. but my mom always tells me to this day to never do it and to stay safe and bla blah blah but i already know not to so it just makes me mad when she says it even though i know she cares for me. sorry for this huge book of info but i just thought i would share a bit of my life with you guys.