I'm tired of life being bleak and serious. For once I want to live my life like the movie it was meant to be. But my mind ultimately lays the foundation for all my experiences. My emotions and perception are basically the soundtrack to my entire life. If I could just tweak them a little, maybe I could see everything through a more perfect and meaningful lens. Because I ponder everyday, am I getting the full human experience? Is my mind holding me back? Nothing has any emotional weight to it. Everything feels too serious. The only thing that I've found can help with this is weed, and it helps tremendously but then makes it worse for weeks after and leaves me a foggy disorganized mess.

I don't want temporary treatment solutions, I want to straight up chemically operate on myself. I don't care what freaky research chemicals it takes. I just want life to "feel" different. For better or worse. I just want to get outside this little box I live in everyday. I just wanna be fluid somewhat similar to how weed makes me. My true self is buried beneath defective neural architecture. I want to show my colors already. I don't care if I end up like John McAfee running from the CIA and creating his own militia.

Someone please help me.