Decided to stay up all night on Vyvanse instead of sleeping, 'cause I was in a flow with my writing. And I actually did what I planned on doing, and when done started crafting a gift for a friend. Felt superhuman, as always on amphetamines, so I did more during the night of course, thinking I'll just stay reasonably stimmed the entire day, do my tasks and so forth, 'cause I've got more uppers and some downers if needed. And plenty of time to rest if I try to get to bed at five in the morning latest.So for my standards it was a very productive night; as long as I don't fap the entire night and morning away, it's a win. Well, as I said I was being productive as hell - up until like five in the morning when I was completely done with everything I had started and that creeping feeling came along... What now!?

The answer to that was porn, of course. Just finished and man do I hate myself right now. But, the other day I got my hands on a shitload of zopiclones so I took a bunch as soon as the session was over, will probably kick any minute now. Or it has kicked writing this message.Man, this contrast going from feeling at absolute bottom, that you're the worst person in the world and should just off yourself, to not really caring about anything, forget what anxiety is and depending on the dose get some cool Visual effects and a really crooked/mushed mind.

I have uppers and downers to get me through the day if I need it but I'll think I call in sick to work at least, not worth the risk of getting caught. It may be a very low risk, but I ain't taking it. Feels shitty as fuck because I just couldn't refuse that urge to end the session with a "quick stimfap" I don't believe the lie as i tell it to myself even 😅instead of taking a couple zopiclone, a few hundred mg:s of Seroquel and gotten some rest.

At least the zopiclone is working now, basically feel completely fine, like the deranged morning never happened. I took six of them, thinking of four more (don't worry, I know the infamous blackouts but tsken them for such a long time so it takes a lot more for me to black out and do stupid shit), really tired now so might refill the Vyvanse, but if I manage to fall asleep I'll wait till the afternoon when I gotta meet people and look and act "normal", probably the best idea. We'll see. Since my not very long yet relapse began and all the traumatic stuff That's happened in life this year started to pile up I don't really see ten pills of zopiclone and think "no", like I would've before , never had a problem taking my normal doses for soon 15 years, but it's got me the last months. Remembered when I ended a 30-pack in like two days and still had like a week until I could get my benzos - fuuuck I hated myself then and there.

Gonna go crazy today because of the comedown with its shame. Gonna take four more z-drugs, and maybe a couple or three or five Elvanse (really low dosage on the can I have now) just to be able to manage all things I've promised me away for today. The only thing I'm ditching is work!

Don't remember what I wanted to say with all this... Yeah, z-drugs are great for anxiety and the contrasted feeling of comedown to extremely chill and nicely wasted.also just had to tell someone how I fucked up this morning up, once again!

Lesson learned I hope, I'm officielly off porn now, or trying starting now because my life doesn't work with stimfapping. The medication is great but all these fucking wankathons.. I'm better than that!

Edit: if anyone reading this gets intrigued or interested, I was the same when I was young but please, for your own sake if youbhave any addictive tendencies. I was sober for about 8-9 months, felt like a king, and now I'm dependent on these pills again. One to get me up out of bed (probably would have needed that despite my addiction cause my ADD is severe), some benzos to keep me stabile through the day and z-drugs to Sleep. Legally, from a Doctor this time, but I'm obviously abusing the script.

You know what, junkies say this all the time but when I get an insight about how I'm starting fucking up my life but it's just the first phases (no real consequences outside of my mind yet) and the motivation to fix it is there, I usually manage it. Believe in me or not, but I hope you at least cheer for me!