The only time I was absolutely convinced I was about to die. (300mg DXM)

I had this experience just over 12 years ago, at the tender age of 15. Clearly, I was quite precocious and had an early desire for altered states of consciousness. Like many other teenagers in similar situations, I came across DPH and DXM early in my research. After all, these are two of the few substances you can legally and even locally obtain—without an online order. Surprisingly, not much has changed in the past few decades—many young people still experiment with these more or less pleasurable substances today.

At that point, I had already had a few trips with DXM and DPH, both separately and in combination, as well as with cannabis, nitrous oxide, and alcohol. However, that afternoon when I took a 10-pack of Ratiopharm cough medicine (which contained 30mg DXM) has remained very vivid in my memory.

Rarely have I experienced such an uncomfortable onset—this was true even for the numerous trips that followed. I felt incredibly nauseous, suddenly vomited explosively and unexpectedly on the floor of my bedroom. I was dizzy. Generally, I felt extremely unwell. For some reason, during this state, the thought that I had overdone it and was heading towards death manifested. Yes, I was sure that I wasn’t going to survive this trip.

Strangely, I didn’t really mind this fact—at least not for the sake of my existence. I did think it was a bit stupid that I would die so early and due to my own actions. But more from a pragmatic perspective, I figured that my death would likely be in the newspapers, and I might even be responsible for the criminalization of dextromethorphan! "Teenager dies from legal devil drug!"—I could already see the tabloid headlines.

Following this, there would be loud calls for the prohibition of this destructive substance, and another tool for transcendence would be ripped away from the freaks and psychonauts of the country.

That’s roughly how my thoughts went. Well, now it’s too late. So, I lay down on my bed, and what followed was actually a beautiful trip. In the background, I had some kind of electro set playing, I think it was psytrance or something like that. So, before this disastrous come-up. With my eyes closed, I slowly drifted out of this reality and found myself lying on damp grass at a techno festival.

Of course, at 15, I had never experienced the joys of such a festival—I hadn't even danced in the presence of other people, except for childish wedding dances with my kindergarten fiancée. Nonetheless, my brain decided to present me with that illusion. The part of me, overshadowed by skepticism, that wishes the transcendences induced by psychedelics and dissociatives were real in an out-of-body sense and not just produced by the mind, suspects in hindsight that this might have been a glimpse into the future. A preview, a short look at a time when I would actually be lying on the ground at a festival (perhaps my favorite, Fusion?) listening to psytrance from afar. But as I said, to actually believe that, I’m still too materialistic.

I don’t remember much more—just that during the trip, when I became aware that I was lying in my bed again, I saw myself from a third-person perspective. Like in a video game.

The DXM come-up actually became more and more unpleasant for me with every experience. Initially somewhat pleasant, it eventually always involved vomiting and dysphoria. That’s also the reason why I stopped using DXM at the age of 16 or 17.

But these experiences were all interesting!