I feel like over the past few months i may have been in and out of psychosis but truly i have no idea. like 2 months ago i took way too much acid and all i remember from that trip was lying on the ground and shutting my eyes. after that day i had a new memory. i believed that the day before i tripped, i was looking at this website that basically had plastic thumbs used for acrylic nails or something. i remember scrolling through, looking at all of these thumbs and then i started like looking into some code or something? and i found something about a patient 0 which somehow connected to me. i then looked down at my hands and holy shit, my thumbs had been replaced by plastic ones. actually thats not even what i thought happened, at first i thought my thumb was just gone and i had an extra finger below my pinky and i was stressing about how i was gonna tell my parents. then i looked closer and realised it was actually a "plastic thumb" and it was actually in the right place. i remember feeling my nail thinking it was plastic. i believed that this company had reset their website therefore running the patient 0 code and removing my thumb. but all of my feeling was still there obviously so i thought they like somehow just built a plastic thumb around my bone? and using my nerves and stuff and then i thought my nail was plastic and the bit of skin around my nail and stuff and it literally felt like plastic too. and it even looked lower down on my hand than usual.

anyway, i ended up checking my history to try and see this website again but nothing was there. i had never visited any website. i still believed my thumb was replaced though so i was lowkey getting excited like i was gonna be able to sue the company and get rich. i also ended up telling my dad at this point and i just went up to him saying something like "theres something wrong with my thumbs". he genuinely must have thought i was insane. he kept saying they look perfectly normal but it was crazy to me because they looked so incredibly weird. and i was starting to feel sad that he wasnt believing me. this made me go on a hunt through old pictures to try and see if my thumb looked the same because i genuinely couldnt remember what my "normal" thumb looked like. i couldnt find a great picture but they looked pretty much the same, but even now months later they look weird. like my thumbs dont look like they belong on my hands and i still get random suspicions that my nails are plastic despite still having to trim them.

another thing that has happened was one day literally THOUSANDS of little mites and little green flies and other tiny bugs just appeared in my bedroom. like they were all just on my carpet and i had no idea where they came from. so i grabbed the vacuum and tried cleaning but then i realised the vacuum was completely cracked and broken. so i just gave up and said ill figure it out tmr. i was going to take a picture too but i didnt and im very much regretting it because theres no way anyone will believe this happened. i went to sleep at around 4am and all the bugs were still there. then when i woke up at around 10am, every single one was gone. there wasnt even a trace that a bug had been there. there was easily over 10,000 just hours before now theyd all disappeared. and suddenly the vacuum was no longer cracked. im still like 95% sure that those bugs were actually there but the vacuum thing is kind of making me second guess.

since that first extremely high dose of acid, i have stupidly taken even higher doses, along with very high doses of other drugs. this is because me being in psychosis was not even in the realm of possibility to me at this point. anyway i think that may have worsened it. i get these phases of paranoia, i cant get to sleep unless im very stoned, ill feel like people are following me sometimes when im in the streets, ill feel like theres secret cameras in my house. but i dont know if this is actually psychosis because as soon as that thought comes into my head im immediately like "no dont be stupid". in the past couple weeks ive caught myself quite a few times just pacing back and forth in my room just discussing my thoughts on certain topics out loud which i never really have done before. sometimes ill just stare into nothing, thinking about literally nothing and i dont know why. my emotions are all over the place my mood swings havent been this bad since puberty.

i genuinely feel like im going crazy sometimes, but in the moment everything feels so normal. its just when i look back on what ive done or thought, i realise how insane some of the things are. thats the scariest part i think