When I was 18, in high school, I took 600 ug of LSD with some of my friends and I went to hell in the literal sense, not metaphorically. This is gonna be a long post. I need to get it all out because this happened 6 years ago and I have not been doing well since then.

I was actually doing ok at first and enjoying the trip, I had taken the most out of anyone there, but then the vibe changed and my 'friends' told me that they had invited a bunch of people and it turned into a party, not a chill LSD sesh with friends.

Pretty soon I went into a psychotic break. I don't know if it was all the people that I didn't know who sent me into it, but I think it was the unfamiliar people who made it become a negative vibe, rather than me just tripping tf out and having fun.

My memory past this point is blurry, blurry is an understatement, I was blackout. I'm going to try and reconstruct what happened from my memory and from what my 'friends' told me.

I was tripping hard. All the sudden there were all these people around me who I didn't know. But they were friends with my friends so it was like I was the outsider in the room who didn't know anyone.

There were a couple cute girls there, they tried to talk to me, I was losing it at that point but still enjoying the trip but I couldn't communicate with them, it was all gibberish. Then all of the sudden they were talking about me behind my back but right in front of me, I could understand that much, but I couldn't communicate it. They were laughing at me because I couldn't talk clearly and my friends were all laughing at me too. It sent me into panic anxiety mode. I felt good at first, but everyone was turning against me and I didn't know how to fix it. I just started repeating the same thing over and over again and walking around in circles; full psychosis.

This is where my memory cuts out. I blacked out and the next thing I remember was in hell. I wasn't myself anymore, I was living other lives and I was in another realm. I can't recall in detail what the lives were like, but it was time dilation taken to the extreme. I lived an infinite number of lives, being born and dying again; and every single one of these lives was condemned to hell.

I was trapped, I lived everything from the beginning of time up until the end of time. But every life that I lived was condemned to hell. Imagine the worst feeling; seeing your life's ambitions go up in flames and everyone you know is watching and laughing at you. I remember it was like that feeling was instilled into every life that I lived, so that I could never feel fulfilled or accomplish anything.

I don't recall the intricacies of these lives, but I do remember that they were detailed and I remember that I experienced all of the lives going through the entire history of human evolution. Starting with hunter gatherers and dying and being born again infinitely up until the end of time and watching the changes of humanity and culture throughout all of it. Throughout all of this it felt like I was cursed, or being tortured by invisible demons who made it so that everything I did was an abject humiliation and disgrace.

Eventually, at the end of time, I was stuck in this weird space; it was all red and there were circles around me, it was the final destination. I was alone and i felt like I would never escape. It was like i was falling through an infinite pit of red circles around me and screaming and agony all around me.

That's the last thing I remember before I just came to in an instant. I remember it was like I just snapped back into reality. My friends were being nice to me all the sudden, trying to calm me down and they were also coming down from the acid too so they could deal with me better at this point and that just pulled me back into reality in a split second. I snapped back and immediately said 'what the fuck happened?'. I was back but I didn't realize what I had done.

My friends explained to me that I had pissed myself, gotten naked, ran around the house yelling, broke drywall; everything that you don't want someone to do, and it was my friend's house, not mine. I was profusely apologetic of course and offered to pay for the dry wall, it was a small and easy fix. But I didn't really fully come back. Mentally I was back, but I wasn't the same person.

I was dissociated and I became extremely depressed. At this time I had just moved to a new school so I didn't see my friends after that for months. I dropped out of high school with one semester before graduation and thankfully the counselors were understanding and they helped me graduate because I had a minuscule remaining credit requirement and a 4.0 gpa.

I went to college with two of my closest high school friends. But our relationship was never the same. I felt like I was being treated differently, like someone who's mentally unstable or just a loser. They would even jokingly say that that I'm not the same and that the LSD had messed me up. Well I agreed that I wasn't the same, but I still felt like a good person who can communicate and act normally, I just had some depression and trauma from the events. I'm insecure about it, but I think I can act and socialize like a normal person. I feel like my two friends treated me differently because I became the designated weirdo in the group, the outsider.

This concludes the part of the story that specifically talks about the LSD trip, but there's more to the story. This is for my therapist (if I ever get one) or for anyone who is interested to read some random content on reddit. I know sometimes I like reading these kinds of long posts if I'm in the mood for a story, but I understand if you don't make it this far.

I became distrustful of my two closest friends after one of them told me his girlfriend had stolen $40 in cash from my wallet when I was having the bad trip, and he didn't tell me that until months later, after he broke up with his gf and there was no way for me to get the money back. I had asked all of them what happened to my money and they said they had no idea. I even gave the same friend a quarter oz of good weed that day because I was trying to quit, and he didn't mention anything about the money that was stolen from me until months later.

None of my friends told me that she stole money from my wallet, they could have easily told me and asked her to give it back, but they chose to wait until after he broke up with her so it wouldn't hurt his relationship with her. He only told me because she cheated on him, and he was telling me that to make me sympathize with him and understand how bad of a gf she was to him.

The same friend who's gf stole from me ended up dating my high school crush and I was the person who introduced them when I asked my crush out to a party. To be fair, I didn't know how to flirt, so I never made a real move on her, but I asked him not to make a move because I invited her and I was talking to her and he disregarded that and started dating her. Fair enough man, that's life and it's an important lesson. But it was the second time this friend started dating a girl that I was talking to first. Like I said, it's a good lesson, and whatever man it's all fair in love I guess, but this destroyed my confidence.

He was dating my crush, who I was talking to all throughout highschool and I introduced him to her. That's ok, it wasn't meant to be, and she clearly liked him more I guess so it's fair. But then when I met the first girl that I flirted with in college, he and my only other friend made fun of me for talking to her and they called her an ugly crackhead. I was so excited, I actually approached a girl and met her on my own and she was interested in me, and all my friends called her a crackhead and made fun of me.

I stopped bringing girls around my friends, but that was mostly just because I lost the confidence to even talk to girls after that. Another good lesson learned, you need to have thick skin and ignore what people say about you and your girl.

Then finally the girl who I had a crush on all throughout freshman year of college approached me and she actually seemed interested in me. I hadn't been approached by a girl in a long time, I didn't know why she was talking to me, but I was so excited that I ran to tell my friends and ask for advice because they were always better with girls than I was, big mistake. They started making fun of me, saying she was using me because she had asked for drinks when she came over to my dorm. Maybe she was using me, they were probably right because she didn't hang out for a long time, but she did tell me she might come back later that night and she smiled at me as if she was into me.

My friends laughed and jeered at me, they started yelling her name at the top of their lungs. They knew she lived in the same dorm and I asked them to keep it down. They insisted on yelling her name and jeering me, as if to try and embarrass me. Low and behold, when we left our dorm room she was standing in the hallway and she absolutely heard everything they said. I waved at her, she looked embarrassed, we never spoke again.

Now I'm to the point where I'm thinking "are my friends all against me? or am I delusional and using them as an excuse for why I can't meet a girl". I'm sure it must have been a little bit of both.

But the pattern was confirmed with the next girl that I dated sophomore year. Yeah I was dumb, I wanted to live with my friends that year so we all got a house together. I met a nice girl on tinder, we hit it off and it was the first time a girl seemed genuinely interested in me. She came back to my room and we were watching television, I specifically told my friends to leave us alone, obviously that shouldn't be necessary but with them it is.

We were making out in my room, and my friend lived in the unit above us. He decided to get blackout drunk and yell and scream and break things, he had never done that before. Keep in mind this dude has a girlfriend, he had no reason to be jealous. He started texting me asking me to go to a party with him, I told him that I was with a girl and to leave us alone, he keeps drinking and screaming and breaking things in the unit above us. At this point the girl I'm with is scared, she's worried that he's not ok or needs to go to the hospital, I'm trying to tell her that he's just dramatic and he's fine. I even texted my other friends to confirm that he was ok and they said he was fine.

Low and behold, drunk asshole friend comes down to my unit, breaks into my room, damaging the door which cost $300 to replace (he didn't pay for it). And then he just says "oh sorry" and leaves. The girl asked me to take her home, I drove her back and we kissed again in the car (she initiated it) before I dropped her off. She ghosted me and we never spoke again.

I stopped hangin out with my friends after this. But I didn't have any other friends and eventually I fell back into my old habits, hanging out with them because I had no one else. I tried to keep a distance, of course I would never bring a girl around any of them again, I'm not that ignorant. But it didn't matter because by that point I felt broken and I had no confidence to date anyone. I've tried, been on a couple dates, I just felt broken and awkward. I feel like a very inexperienced child now, not at all like an adult, because the longest relationship I ever was in was 2 weeks (that ended after my friends made fun of her for 'looking like a man' and I became insecure around her so she broke up with me, but that was all before I took LSD so I left it out of this story).

Eventually my friends' treatment escalated and our relationship deteriorated. I started using ketamine weekly and that's when my friend who had dated all the girls I liked and introduced him to decided that I was a bad friend so he stopped hangin out with me, because I was using a lot of drugs now. My other friend who I had known longer was still my friend, but eventually he became paranoid, accusing me of flirting with his girlfriend.

I never flirted with her, we were friends before he started dating her and I always treated her like a friend, she had a crush on me before they dated and her best friend told me that, I didn't feel the same way and so she dated him and I was ok with that. I never so much as winked at this girl btw; I wasn't interested in her. He got blackout drunk, blew up on me, and ditched me at a concert by myself.

I stopped talking to him and ignored his apology the next day, I eventually told him that I wasn't mad at him but that I wanted space to focus on myself and he called me a bunch of mean things and that was pretty much the end of it. He called me years later to tell me how much he hates me and how he thinks I was a bad friend to him because I didn't want to hangout with him anymore and that he hopes I never make any friends and that I have a terrible life. I told him I was sorry how things ended, and that I want him to do well, and I meant it sincerely. The last thing I heard from him was him telling me to fuckoff and saying he hopes I have a terrible life, right after I apologized to him for any wrongdoing on my part.

My point is, now I'm turning 24 this week, reflecting on my life, and these are the experiences that I have to reflect on. I would be lying if I said it doesn't feel like I'm cursed from that acid trip or like the trauma is causing me to relive this weird embarrassment around girls over and over again. I know trauma has a way of causing people to relive bad experiences. Or perhaps the acid trip was induced because I subconsciously knew that they were bad friends, and it was like a warning to leave them. I do think they were always bad friends because they were making fun of me before I ever took LSD or any drug, I just didn't recognize how toxic they are until years later. Maybe I was turning to drugs as an escape because of their abuse.

Thanks if you made it this far, have a nice Sunday!!