Idk man I have just been feeling this emptiness lately. Nothing brings me joy anymore. Like at all. In fact I feel nauseous from the emptiness and the pain I cause people, so I am sort of trying to go into hiding. Hermit mode, if you will. I don’t feel like hurting people anymore (emotionally not physically) so I should just isolate and not waste their time or energy.

I put on that fake empty smile at work, conduct the fake laughs at jokes that are kind of funny I guess. I put on this friendly front to everyone I meet and no one would suspect I have a darkness inside me. Really I just count down the time till I can drive home and then hide out in my cave and take some kratom or if I am lucky, some pills…the real, good shit, as a special treat.

Today I have some new shit I am going to try out so that anticipation is getting me through the painfully dull workday. I feel…excited?! It is kind of pathetic but yea I guess I am just at rock bottom of depression. Ehh at least I don’t drink anymore. Traded the booze bottle for the medicine bottle. The pills are kinder to me and don’t cause me to do stupid shit, they just make me feel at peace and want to be alone ✌🏼 They make me feel something…and nothing, which is somehow perfect.