I had a few close calls but never needed narcan. In each one of these I’ve went quite deliberately overboard and woke up the next day either yellow or pale as snow, looking and feeling like absolute shit, with a terrible headache and hearing every single noise as if it were on a lower pitch (this last one being very specific and accurate on telling me I had too much).

The one thing that bothers me the most is the feeling that I shouldn’t be alive. Like, really, I have no clue how I’m not dead considering the dosages i irresponsibly experimented with.

Then I spend the whole next day or two feeling extreme DPDR and anxiety, obsessed with a scenario in which I’m actually dead, my soul is in purgatory or whatever and everything is an illusion. I start feeling bad for the parallel universe version of my mom who is dealing with the toughest pain one could endure; as well as feeling horrible for putting my loved ones at risk of going hrough that.

I try some grounding exercises and eventually in a couple of days the discomfort fades away, but the feeling that there is no way I should be alive after such an excess haunts me. I need to stop this. I need to stop trying to kill myself.

Does anyone else relate to this anguish?