im so exhausted… i started doing drugs at 13 and im nearly 23 now

everything from xanax, adderall and oxys all the way up to cocaine, heroin, LSD and 2gs a day of ketamine

i ODd once and was resuscitated

when I blow my nose i blow out straight blood

my head hurts and nothing even gets me high anymore

im exhausted all of the time and my gallbladder is destroyed. everything hurts. im so tired. i just want to escape.

despite being an addict i am very successful. i finished my bachelors degree at 18 and began making six figures at 20 yrs old and moved to new york city on my own

i never had any help from family or friends the drugs always been there for me. no one even knows im an addict like this, I function so well but I just go home & self destruct. I use coke throughout the day for work to stay up and im getting a promotion cause my performance is so good cause I stay tweaked.

Im 22 I live in a high rise condo in the middle of my city, my closet is worth over $100,000.00 and the cheapest handbag I own is $700.00 and I am fucking miserable.

I went to rehab but when I got sober I was even more depressed even after coming to terms with my trauma. I just feel like I already got alll the stuff I was dreaming of as a kid, I was homeless until I was 10, my sister was murdered, my mom left and my dad broke my ribs, my ex tried to kill me and went to jail after.

I have good friends now and I am talking to an incredible boy who is good for me, but I can’t stop thinking about ending everything cause I don’t know how to enjoy anything anymore. My brain is fucked I am diagnosed with ASPD, BPD, Bipolar, GAD, PTSD, Panic Disorder and MDD with schizophrenic symptoms.

My passion is collecting handbags, I got the exact ones I wanted some up to $11,000.00 and two rolexes, cuban links and designer jewelry. I don’t even own a non branded pair of shoes… Everything is what I dreamed it to be, I do what I want when I want but I don’t want to do anything. Just get high. I spend 1k/week on drugs.

I want it to stop but I don’t know where to start. How do I go the right way when I don’t know which way I am facing? Sober me sleeps for 16 hours a day and works the other 8.

I have my dream job at my favorite brand. I have my dream apartment. And Im just a fucking functioning junkie stuck in my own skin.