Lahaina,maui. Its 445am im dryheaving again. Sweat is stuck to my face like dew on a leaf. The humidity is 100% and heavy. I turn on the shower to try and drown out the heaves from waking my alcoholic mom. My eyes are spewing tears, and the back of my throat burns as i wretch. My stomach feels like it’s being plunged. My poor, empty stomach. I stick my fingers down my throat, determined to get this daily side quest over with. Finally, my spine curls up like a scared cat, and i gag out just enough bile to calm my stomach. It’s 5am…i have to be at the methadone clinic at 7 am for my 80mg dose. I turn off the decoy shower and slink into the living room to where my pull out coach bed is. I put on a pair of board shorts and a shirt, and out the door, i go into the early morning sunrise of lahaina. My flip flops thunk down the stairs as i make way down the yellow brick road.

I can still hear the birds their calls were so ethereal in that time in between darkness and light. I reach front street. I see the ocean with all its splender. For a second, i appreciate the beauty. Then, a wave of naseau hits me. Im at the second stop of my daily quest. This is where i dryheave some more with the rising sun on a island in the middle of the fucking pacific ocean. My snot and tears are washed into the blue warm water. I hurl over and over. Tears are cascading down my face i am crying for real. I am crying and lauging at the irony of being so miserable in paradise. One last wrectch and im good go. My daily quest continues.

I reach the liquour store its 5:45am. There is a line of other booze hounds shaking and making pointing getures to the poison they want. my turn, i reach into my pocket and gingerly grab a handful of change i have been collecting. Shakingly, i drop the change on the counter. She knows it’s a few cents short it always is. She hands me a pint of taka vodka with a look of sadness and then forces a smile and says her usual “mahalo.” I genuinely smile and reply “sorry” i was sorry for making her see me every day, slowly getting thinner and sicker. I walk outside, unscrew the bottle as i walk to the bustsop, and take a gag of vodka down. I force my mouth shut and use jedi mind tricks not to vomit. I can feel the vodka move down my esophagus into my stomach. I sigh and take another as a warm, familiar feeling grows inside me.

I reach the bus stop with 3 minutes to spare, i sit on the stairs and take another gag of vodka and watch the productive members of society socialize and act alien like me. I might as well be on another planet. I get my tiny ass on the bus. With the feeling of wanting to vomit hits again i stick my head against my balled up sweater and make a pillow and let the maui transportation AC hit me in the face like a long lost love who returned from war 15 years after it ended. I stare out the window as the bright blue beaches pass me by like a postcard. I close my eyes and dream of being at the bottom of the ocean. So peaceful. So beautiful.

The bus driver wakes me from my dream. Im pissed and snot is running down my face. It’s 6:30 i have arrived at my stop at the wailuku mall. I exit the bus, and the hot, humid air slaps me in the face like an ex you know is cheating on you, and she slaps you after you accuse her. Asshole. I start power walking for the next 1.2 miles. As i walk, i unscrew my pint and take a gulp and howl into the hawaiian sun as it burns my throat. I walk through the maui community college campus sweating,pale,gaunt, and deranged. I reach the jack in the box. Finally, i ask for ice water and dump half on my head and chew on the ice cubes. I can see the building.

I reach the building. It’s 6:55am. There’s a group of addicts ahead of me waiting in line to get dosed. The guy in front of me becomes my boss eventually. I reach the window, tell em my name, and scribble it down. They put the methadone wafer in a small dixie cup and mix it up. I grab it and gulp it down. Say maholo and walk out the door. My snot is already gone, and my eyes are dry. I sense that euphoria hits me, and the walk and bus ride back is 100% better. Everything screams. it’s going to be okay, evan

I did this for a year. I got arrested in maui and cold turkey in jail also alcohol. Thats a whole other story.