I have legitimate PTSD, OCD, GAD and major depression. But most people I know will take 1 or 2 mg of Xanax and get knocked out. I give my bottle to my sister because I am a severe drug addict and I have a bad habit of chasing dragons. Whether it's my methylphenidate or benzos, I have a bad habit of abuse. I quit smoking weed because it made me worse, I've severely cut back on alcohol. And at the worst point in my life, I was severely addicted to Benadryl. Which is embarrassing, I know. I would take up to 16 at a time and go through probably 24 to 30 a day. Why? The first 5 minutes of it kicking in made me feel like I was moderately high on painkillers. But the next how many hours would be whispering, seeing very strange things and seeing stuff that I couldn't tell was real or not. Like my bedroom door knob violently shaking and being convinced a demon was trying to get me. With Adderall and Ritalin. I would constantly chase that feeling. I've taking up to 8 54mg er concerta in a day and then would say fuck it and take 2 more when my body would tell me it's time to stop. I've quit copious amounts of Benadryl and take like 4 at a time for a weird buzz. I don't know why I continue to do it. I guess I just don't like sobriety and Its hard for me to understand how people manage to deal with it. I've taken 400mg of sertraline just to see what it would do and I just felt similar to like I was coming up on a very strange psychedelic, but also knew that I was dangerously pushing my serotonin levels way to far. i chain smoke cigarettes like it's going out of style. I've even had patches prescribed so I could put 4 or 5 on and smoke cigs with it.

But with Xanax or benzos I've had prescribed. I can be going through severe withdrawals and then take 20mg and still be able to function.

I am not bragging, I am ashamed of myself. But I genuinely don't understand how I can take 20mg Xanax and still function, even if I do take it as prescribed and then one day say fuck it, I wanna feel delusional and calm because I'm tired of my constant dread.

I know I'm a drug addict and I always will be. But why the fuck am I capable of doing copious amounts of these drugs and still be able to function. How can I take 400mg of Ritalin in one day and not be totally geeked out or fucking dead. I usually just feel good. Unless I don't choke down food because my natural hormones aren't getting nutrients.

The fuck is wrong with me? Why can't I just take what's prescribed and be happy? Why do I need copious amounts of drugs and especially stupid ones to feel a "good" high.

Hell, I had a 15 minute gran mal seizure just from not sleeping for 2 days and taking 5 tramadol. That is the only experience I've had that scared me away from a drug.

I genuinely want to understand what the fuck is wrong with me