Let me preface this by saying I do legitimately think I have adhd and do not abuse my prescription. I take it as prescribed. Stimulants have never been my drug of choice.

I was a pretty hardcore opiate and benzo addict 2019-2020 but my life has done a complete 180 since. I haven’t been tempted to go back despite a very hard breakup since then. I also finished my bachelors, got a job making $80k a year, and have repaired all relationships with friends and family. I’m objectively in a good spot despite not having the social or love life I truly desire.

The issue I’m having is I don’t think Adderall benefits me enough to justify the other issues it causes. My productivity has gone up at work 20-25% but I haven’t improved my social or dating life much on it. Another issue is the negative thought loops I get from it. During the comedown and sometimes even when “high” I ruminate on all my negative personality traits and self perceived internal flaws. I have also lost passion for my physical fitness, which was a huge part of my recovery from opiates. The gym is the catalyst for nearly all positive changes I’ve had in the last 2 years and now I’m barely going. I remember telling my mom “if I ever stop going to the gym that will be a sign I’m not doing well”.

The main thing I hate about adderall is how dependent my mood has become on it. It feels nearly identical to opiates in how the best part of my day is without fail always the hour or two after popping the pill. No matter how good of an evening I have, it doesn’t feel as good as peaking off my daily dose of Adderall in the morning.

Basically, it feels like I am addicted to hard drugs again. Albeit a highly functioning and sustainable hard drug. The pleasure neurotransmitters it releases dwarf any natural euphoria to the point where you begin to feel like an emotionless zombie. Not depressed per se, but time feels like it is flying by and I’m just coasting through life without anything to look forward to besides popping my Adderall the next morning. The same things that used to bring me pleasure like the gym, a new romantic interest, plans with friends for the coming weekend, just don’t hit the same. Likewise, I’ve noticed things that used to torment me like spending a weekend entirely alone don’t to the same degree as they did. My emotions just don’t feel congruent with how they should.

Should I just jump off completely and go back to how I was? At least I had a zeal for life when I was not medicated. Or should I continue the script but only take it 1-2 days a week when I really need to be productive? I guess writing this all out kinda answered my question. I know I do not want to stay on it daily and it’s not good for my mental health. But I am conflicted on how to go about that. Worried I’ll fuck things up at work because my boss is on a medical leave for 4 more months and I can’t seem to be productive without direct supervision. Adderall has helped a lot at my job.