bear with me here, im new to posting and this is long.

so i’m 18, trans ftm and just got top surgery a week ago yesterday. i got prescribed gabapentin daily for my pain and 5/325 percs for breakthrough pain. my problem is that i’ve been addicted to oxy.

my mom and my boyfriend (bf also has a history of addiction) are the ones taking care of me during my recovery. my boyfriend knows about my history with oxy, but my mom doesn’t. when i was doing oxy before, i was really stupid and found a bottle of my grandmas pills, a full bottle, and decided to take a few oxy to try them. this was straight up oxy, i don’t remember the mg but i wound up blowing through the entire bottle within a week. (the pills were years old and only one was missing so i knew she didn’t need them, otherwise i wouldn’t have touched them)

i knew how addictive oxy was but my logic was “i’m only gonna try it once, and on the off chance i do get addicted i won’t be able to get any more” stupid, i know. well i was right for a bit i couldn’t get any more, then about six months ago i met a guy online who lived right down the street for me who i got 5 percs from and relapsed, then afterwards quickly regretted it and got rid of his contact info. i haven’t relapsed since, but then i got surgery.

my mom doesn’t know about my history with oxy, but as i said my boyfriend does. he came with me to my pre op appointment, and we discussed the fact that i’d be prescribed oxy. me being 18 i know i’m an adult and i should have told my doctor about my history, but in the past i’ve had confidentiality broken countless times and doctors have told my mom shit that they shouldn’t have, so i just couldn’t bring myself to trust that my doctors or nurses wouldn’t mention anything to/around my mom when she inevitably had to come with me. plus, if they chose to not give me a harder pain med for breakthrough pain i wouldn’t know what to tell her. she’s a nurse as well and is overwhelmingly educated on the medical, she’s way overqualified for a nurse. like genuinely, it’s scary watching her interact with other medical professionals. she knows when i’m bullshitting her in general because she’s my mom, but especially about medical shit.

anyway, my boyfriend and i talked and agreed he would hide my oxys and give them to me if i need it, however he never did and my bottle has just been sitting out 24/7. i’ve been fine for the most part about taking them, i’ve only taken five out of the 14 i’ve been prescribed so far. but what worries me is i can see myself getting more and more lax with my reasoning for taking them. i keep trying to justify reasons why i “need” it to myself. last night, i was up until 4:45 am because i couldn’t sleep. at around 3:30 i started getting a slight pain in my chest but it wasn’t bad, but around 4 i told myself that if by 4:30 i couldn’t fall asleep i’d take an oxy “just to put myself to sleep”. i laid in bed for about 15 minutes and decided to just take it then. i’ve been telling myself that if i take the oxy before bed and just sleep through it it wouldn’t be as bad for me as taking it awake. my thought process was that if i didn’t feel myself get fucked up from it i wouldn’t crave it as much when i’m not on it. i’d just sleep. however, this morning i woke up and instantly when i stood up, i could tell i was still fucked up. i’m a chronic smoker (weed and nicotine) so i don’t know if maybe weed had something to do with it, or the fact that i slept through it, but i’ve never felt like this from a single perc before. i’m going back to sleep for a bit after posting this but idk.

basically my reason for this post, i kind of just wanted to rant and ask for anyone’s thoughts or advice. i don’t really know what to do with myself and i’m just kind of at a loss. i’d appreciate any advice anyone can give, and thanks in advance.