Hello everyone,

I'd like to talk about something a bit personal today, and also get some testimony to try to understand what happened to me yesterday.

For the context: I've had issues with alcohol and had to quit 4 years ago, also had a strong dependency to cigarettes and quit. But apart from this my drug use has always been "under control" (like I can binge sometimes but when I know I want to, and usually not to the point I'd drift and spend an unplanned night awake).

Last year I discovered 3mmc and loved it. For sex with my partner and also stimfapping. After one night when I did lose control and stayed awake 24 hours I decided to do a 3 months break, and tried it again with my partner a month ago, trying to put clear rules. One of them being simple: never have more than a gram with me.

Anyway, two days ago I receive 3 grams by the mail and proceed to split it in half gram bags. The plan was to leave it at my gf's place. Yet, I start to feel an intense craving when I look at the bags and start convincing myself that I could just take one line and go to bed not late.

You can guess what happened: a 24h binge, went through the 3 grams and skipped work (well pretended to work remotely) while watching porn and doing not much.

I'm still schocked by how poor impulse control was at this point. I knew I sucked at stopping, not that I'd be craving to take it just by looking at it.

Anyway, I'm baffled by the way my train of thought kept renegociating with myself to be ok to take "just one more" until it became "too late. Let's fuck it".

I'm wondering what's people's experiences about these, I only experienced addiction as something really painful physically (hangover, cravings) or obsessional (cigarettes), here it felt different, as if some different logical mind took over and only left after the binge.

The worst part is: I slept 10 hours and I feel pretty good, or at least not so bad, my lost day at work will go unnoticed and if It was not for my personal ethics, my girlfriend would not have known about it and nobody would basically.

I know I need to stop doing it at all, even if it sucks that a personal use is messing with a cool shared use (the hardest part for me to think of: I feel like I've wasted some cool sexy times with my partner forever).

Anyway. If people want to share these experiences I'd be interested. It's not my first time figuring out I'm addicted to something but it's the first time it happens this way.