edit: thanks guy, I read everyone's comment three times over and understand how serious the addiction/withdrawal can be. I will ask my doctor for some normal non-addicting anti-depressants.

Context:

Going through divorce, single dad, having hard time at work because my boss is shitty, generally anxious/depressive.

Spoke with my family doctor and she gave me note for 1 month medical leave of absence, and told me to try exercising and stop smoking weed (was a daily smoker for ~8 years).

Being off work definitely helped with not adding to already huge amount of stress. Going off weed was tough, I was having hard time falling asleep and the dreams were so vivid that I would wake up all exhausted. Besides, all the anxious/depressive thoughts were still there. Suicidal thoughts were still there.

Was at a friend's place and told them about this, and one of them gave me a bar of xanax. I have a feeling he didn't get it through a prescription. He told me not to use it with alcohol/other drugs and try 1/4 of the tablet when I feel really shit.

So today, being on medical leave, I took my kid to museum and shopping and was generally feeling really shit. The though of how mad I am at my ex, and how mad I am at my boss were monopolizing my mind space and just spiraling into more negative thoughts.

After I put my kid to sleep, decided to take 1/4 of a tablet (not sure how strong the tablet is) and, 15min later... holy shit. I feel... "normal".

Like I tried thinking about my ex and all the shit she said about me, and literally, the thoughts won't stay. My mind feels a bit blank, I feel a little drowsy but not sleepy, and PJ mask theme song is stuck in my head, but I haven't felt this "normal" in years.

Then I looked up xanax side effects and apparently it can be very addictive. I can see why. All the negative thoughts that seemed to be occupying my head at all times just... disappeared.

I am supposed to check back with my family doctor later next week and am definitely going to bring this up. Should have tried this years ago.