I caution you now this is a LONG post. This felt good to share this for the first time. Support is appreciated.

I am a lifelong poly substance addict. I have had 3 consecutive months of total sobriety in a decade. I too am a diagnosed psychopath. I don’t think it was always like this. I don’t know if drugs played an influence because it started before I exhibited signs that couldn’t be attributed to being a troubled teen.

I am now 23. I moved states just before turning 18. I’ve always had trouble making friends but again normal stuff for a kid who constantly moved home to home. The last 5 years have been filled with pain. Moving states made me realize I never fostered relationships with family either.

I will text my sister on holidays or her birthday maybe. Don’t speak to anyone on either side of my parents sides nor my dad himself. My mother and I share a space yet I still barely talk to her save for when I need something maybe. I have 1 person I consider a friend but he's a schizophrenic meth head so it's touch and go. I tend to cling to relationships solely because I get something from it. It's often transactional.

My mom had this ex-wife with MS and also was prescribed basically everything in the book except painkillers. I was in 7th grade stealing pills from her. And I mean a lot but nothing ever was said. Cranking addies, xanax, klonopin, pregabalin, soma, etc. It's been common for me to steal even from vulnerable people or loved ones. My mom's pills from after her broken toes? Yep.

Easter Sunday maybe 15y/o I was stealing cash from my family members purses/wallets zonked on klonopins I stole earlier from my dad's wife.

I don't feel bad putting people down, I wouldn't need anyone in my life but they're beneficial so most are superficial.

My ex’s mother died battling cancer. I never went to see her until she began to pass. It never bothered me but we were close. I volunteered to take her things to the house. Good boy right? Well I immediately went through her shit and bingo 10mg hydros. After ex made it back, she was understandably distraught but I was just kind of annoyed that she was killing my buzz. I feigned sympathy not by being compelled or morally, but more from obligation.

I’ve lied to doctors for prescriptions, lied to family for prescriptions(because I couldn’t get to them myself), lied to everyone in my life for personal gain. Drugs mainly, but there’s always a motivation.

I’m very unstable and reckless. My moods change drastically, I’m tempermental, irresponsible. I frequently quit/lose jobs from substance issues. There’s not much pleasure in life except chemical pleasure. I got addicted to nitazenes because it was a free sample and spontaneously went for it.

I went to rehab once and I sweet talked my way through and almost believed myself. I celebrated getting out by smoking bud. 3mo later I’m in the ER from a seizure from benzo wd, the reason I went to rehab. I never would have went but gf gave an ultimatum and it was beneficial as her family paid for it.

Relationships are fleeting, it’s hard to empathize, I don’t feel guilt when my actions harm others, I have a grandiose sense of self. I hate not being the smartest in the room, being told what to do, people not liking me. I spend genuinely unhealthy amounts of time with self care, I have a routine which if you’ve seen American Psycho it’s scarily similar to Patrick Bateman’s morning routine scene. Just saw that last fall which made me feel odd.

Consequences don’t bother me besides financial/legal but won’t prevent me from doing so. I’m not a klepto but I steal frequently because I know I’ll get away with it using my superficial charm, I feel entitled to steal. I stole tons of weed from my autistic weed dealer in HS. He was super trusting, had tons so he didn’t notice. I felt like I deserved it for my friendship, things I’ve done or given to him. We only hung out if I needed weed.

If I’m confronted I’m often defensive and attempt to justify my behavior or make it seem innocent, many times bold face lying to accomplish it. One thing my ex told me that stuck with me was that it was “scary how easy I could lie” which then I manipulated that and used feigning honesty to gain trust and lower her guard.

Drugs are my best friend. I have little aspirations or goals for the future. My habits have become quite destructive and hard to cope with. Therapy lately has made it easier to recognize my behavior reducing those which affect others but nothing is really different. I won’t be cured.

I worry I’ll never find true love. I’m worried I won’t be able to find an okay living arrangement since I know no one and relationships with friends fade fast. It’s hard holding a job due the conflict I cause, but so easy to interview because it’s perfectly vtly chorgeographed.

It’s just gotten harder and harder the older I get. It’s exhausting to put on an act for every single interaction I’m faced with. What purpose is there in life if I’ll never experience all that and rely on drugs. Do I just say fuck it and be high 24/7 or take the easy way out once things are bad enough.

Sorry for the long post. Feels good to share with someone sorta. When people hear psychopath usually they picture a serial killer. I’m otherwise normal interpersonally as if anything likable and attractive, persuasive/charismatic. It’s that I’m manipulative, deceitful, callous, and like control over situations. Relationships are easily formed yet poorly maintained so they never last.

Thanks if you read this far. This diagnosis felt akin to saying I was going to die. Maybe that would be better. It’s hard. It took an hour to type this.