I can’t because I’m getting admitted somewhere later today. Not a psych hospital. Honestly I think I have needed a psych ward stay in times during the last few years. Anyway I can’t get blacked out now but I want to black out on benzos and alcohol.

I have only properly blacked out once, maybe twice. My mind is torture. I crave for time to become a stranger to me for a while. For my mind to stop recording memories so when I come out of the blackout and have the amnesia of the day before it will be like I have gone forward in time

Maybe I’ll do this when the admission ends, or I’ll go on home leave in order to do it. I don’t drive, I would stay inside and will hide my self harm stuff. I want time to continue without me. I want a break