So I met my boyfriend/ex 9 months ago. We had been extremely close ever since. I enver touched drugs before him, and he told me about his past as soon as we met and told me he'd never get me into them. I suffer from borderline personality disorder, and he suggested that I come off my medication and he didn't think I needed it and mental illness is all a fabrication. A week passed, and he pulled ketamine out of his back. Obviously it was entirely my decision to do it, but I did as I struggle with impulse control. We did ketamine a few times during those few weeks, and then after like 3 weeks of knowing me he introduced MDMA and he said it was better. It was amazing, everything I had wanted and needed and I wanted more. The second time I did it I dropped the bag on the floor and it went everywhere and I started crying and bawling about it. He told me we would never do drugs again. What I think was about 4 days passed before he brought up ketamine again, to which we ended up doing and over time our tolerance increased. We would bounce between MDMA, which we were doing every week to 2 weeks for a period of like 3 months before I had a bad experience that made me stop. He ended up introducing me to 2cb next, and then lsd and I had a bad experience on both but he told me that his old gf had done it with him and I wanted to experience it with him. We'd end up getting ket once a week, and then it upped from 1g and week to 3g and week to going through 6gs between us over a 2-3 day period. Our whole relationship was built off drugs, and all the MDMA did was trigger my BPD but I couldn't stop, he would do 700mg of MDMA each time he rolled, and we would roll twice over a 2 day period sometimes. He does his thing where he partake in all this drug use with me, then avoids me and blames me for it.

The last 6 days he hasn't seen me because I broght some MDMA and rolled once without him, and then he went distant, and so I rolled the second time because I felt bad about him avoiding me and so fell into a bit of a funk. Anyway, he just kept avoiding me, telling me that he can't be around me because I'm a failure, I do nothing with my life, and I'm lazy, etc. I'm on benefits due to mental illness and he tells me how if I was forced to, I could manage day to day life and could manage work. I've explained to him how I want to go on medication like antidepressants but he doesn't believe in it. I still have my appointment on the 22nd. Today I went to pickup some coke, and dropped his things off on the way to end it once and for all. He literally followed me out and tried to make conversation with me. I took this as him having interest. I told him about the coke and he went back to avoiding me again. I explained to him how why would you expect to give someone with mental health issues drugs and them not want to do it. He said he thought I was strong enough to resist and he said he only does it in "moderation" yet he went out a few days before I brought the mdma to sniff 3g of ketamine within a few hours. I just find it so hypocritical. I told him about my depressive episode and he told me how I'm dragging him down, and to get my shit together and basically said how he doesn't love me but "still cares". I asked for a sleeping pill from him as I was struggling, and he stopped texting me.

So I'm stuck on an MDMA and coke comedown, and it's a consequence of my own decisions but he takes no responsibility for the part he played. I told him how I'm on the verge of suicide and he told me to stop spamming him. Am I in the wrong? The worst part is I get so confused because we constantly go between back and forth and I constantly bounce between loving him and hating him. We have a fight, he goes distant etc, then he comes back and the cycle repeats. It's driving me insane. The worst part is he blames me entirely, thinks my mental health is invalid even though I bounce between being okay and not wanting to be around anymore. He tells me that depression is all in the mind and he follows Tristan Tate. He's torn any confidence I had from me over the last 9 months and I feel like I'm going insane because he doesn't realize.