TL;DR: emotional rant about why we (I mean me) use drugs

I don’t mean to talk down nobody, this is just a rant I want to get off my chest and I’d appreciate some advice.

Shit, there’s so many thoughts in my head I don’t know where to start. Lemme give u back story that I don’t even like to talk about to my closest friends.

May not seem surprising, age 13-15 I was a heavy drinker, thought it was cool and it was nice being in an altered state of mind. But now things have changed. After 19’ and covid I haven’t had a sip of alcohol nor anything.

Troubles started I think last February, I was in full blown love after years of abstaining myself from women and it ended kinda terribly. I don’t remember a lot of it like I do with all traumas I go through, it just doesn’t excite my mind enough to think about it but subconsciously the pain never t goes away. I think about her, previous failures almost every day. So after the breakup I started to drink, bottles every day, skipping school and just be miserable, drunk.

Then I discovered weed again. I have smoked before a few times, and I liked it so much I craved it. I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was a child, and as I’m getting older I’m starting to see signs that I still have it. I always accounted my substance abuse to my ADHD and addictive personality that comes with it. (joke in the family that only the A gene runs in my blood because 90% of my family were/are alcoholic) So I try to my best to avoid harder drugs, cuz I know I will like it and never can stop.

Now, I’m 19 and finished school have my dream degree (architecture) and I’m skipping a year before university. The thing is, I smoke a lot of weed (HHC specifically, distillate cuz weed is really expensive here and illegal, but hhc gives me the same effects) and I think something is wrong. I don’t know why I smoke it, but I think because I want to fill the void and the boredom. I will be applying for job next week.

Fuck I ‘m lost in my own thoughts. I sometimes take some alprazolam because I just want to feel empty and not think about anything nor worry about it.

I like to drink some beers while popping 2-3mg and smoking a lot on it. Don’t get me wrong, I am not addicted to xanax, but I do really enjoy it and take it 1-2 times per month (made some posts about this) and I don’t think it’s that bad. I know I can get addicted, that’s why I get only 1-2 mg at a time (except this week, I took 4 mg 2 days in a row) to keep me away from it. I have only access to 4 drugs; weed, meth, alcohol and alprazolam.

But I think weed is my saviour, It’s not the solution it’s a tool to help me, to help my mind not to think that much. I have severe anxiety and I was on Zoloft for some time, but stopped going to the psychiatrist tho I’m seeing a therapist because I can’t talk to the people that are close to me about this, but my psychologist doesn’t know that I still smoke.

The rant is over, I just want/need advice from strangers. I don’t know why I’m smoking. I am addicted, but I also take tolerance breaks without any problems/withdrawals every month or so for a week to be sober, but it never changes my mind. The constant thinking, overthinking, feeling unmotivated and uncomfortable in my own skin. Then I get so high after the break that I am a vegetable mostly playing league of legends.

Why is it like this? I rarely feel happy sober, but it was like this even before I started abusing. What is wrong with me? Why am trying to escape reality?