...wtf Am I broken? with tears I write. "Pocket deuces, do I fold?"

I'm sitting in this luxury rehab with salt water pools in San diego. Was living in my car for 3 months and homeles a month after I sold it. Was meth and vodka and found ghb torwards end. I was on the verge of letting dudes blow me for a gram. Hustling grindr while living in a little league dugout at night while I jerked off until my phone would die, pouring rain I'd stare at the palm trees sway in the witching hours between 3-5 am. Feeling free and okay with my situation. Obviously I felt immense shame I hid with drugs. Being 36 living in a dugout , I used to be a kid In that dugout waiting on my turn to bat. Oh boy I struck out. My dad would shout names at me , mom would cheer me on. I'm 36 now dad is still yelling names at me and mom is my mommy she will always cheer me on. She's in rehab , brother is too. I'm crying BRB

I just got out of therapy and talked about how my family triggers me. That i hate the fact kids here younger than me are addicted to shopping for another house on zillow? They have kids and wives. I have nothing. The fact I hate that I don't know what to do.. this is my 30th program. I'm gonna try some ssris for my ocd. I've shot heroin for 10 years before meth. But the porn is the constant dopamine and with meth it has taken apart of me. Most of me. I'm 19 and 36 at the same time

But these guys are up at 6am swimming laps, tanning by the pool right now while I can't see any joy in being in the sun. I wanna lay in bed and write on my phone. I see no fun in anything. Girls are scary and annoying, the food is to fancy for me. Quail? So I fake smile and crack witty self depression based jokes and walk around awkwardly. A lone mysterious tweaker with sun glasses always on. I'm at a loss at what to do, my dad will die within 5 years and will I be sober ? My mom maybe 10. Will I be able to help her? Will I be alive? Will I be able to handle the death of my once young parents in the stands at my little league games where my dad forced himself to be part of the coaching squad. Will i be happy? Will anyone love my broken heart and fucked up brain. I like to think so.

I'm Evan I've been sober since March 24th

I do have hope. But it's hard man. I want dopamine. I want my mommy to tell me it's going to be okay. But she's not Okay herself. I feel so alone.