A year ago, I did meth, my parents found out, freaked out and sent me against my will to a sketchy rehab. In the rehab, they gave me a bunch of psychiatric meds because they thought that I was a hardcore meth addict who would break into psychosis. They gave me Clonazepam, Seroquel, olanzapine, oxcarbazepine and some other meds that they did not tell me what they were.

I started getting very bad headaches on the left side of my brain. One day the headache got worse, and my vision blurred for like a min. After that I felt literally retarded. I had difficulties speaking, when I said something, I said it again, mispronounced words and had a hard time finding the correct words to express myself. I just felt slow cognitively, I struggled doing even simple tasks like cleaning. I escaped the rehab immediately after that. I got very scared and literally wanted to die.

I stayed home for like 5 months, doing absolutely nothing and I got way better. I could talk better, didn't repeat myself that often, and just didn't make that many mistakes while speaking, and I didn't had problems with simple tasks anymore but, I still didn't feel at a 100%.

After the 5 months doing nothing, I decided to get a job. It was a super easy call center job, and helped a lot recovering my brain, but I still made a few mistakes talking and had troubles concentrating but I think that they were not that bad, since I did not get fired from the job and I never heard anybody mentioning anything about me being retarded. I wanted to get my shit together, so I quit that job after like 3 months to start studying coding.

By that time, I think that my brain was at 95%, I was making progress coding, I even completed half of the Odin's project curriculum, but still did not feel at a 100.

After a month studying coding, I got a Helpdesk job offer and decided to take the offer. This is the job that I currently have. It's been almost 6 months since I started the job and I guess I'm making it. My boss has congratulated me on multiple occasions, and I can do what I'm told to do, but honestly, I still don't feel at my 100%.

Right now, sometimes I still feel cognitively slow. For e.g. Let's say I'm troubleshooting, and I have to Google something. I go and open the web browser when the browser is opened, I just forget what I was about to Google. After a few secs I recall. Also, here and there I make mistakes speaking, but I guess is that they are not that bad, like I said I can communicate and do my job without a problem and people haven´t told me anything or I hadn´t got any bad looks.

I've made a lot of progress so far, but I don´t feel completely recovered.

I'm not sober. I drink, do weed here and there, and I've done meth 3 times after the rehab. Sometimes when I drink heavily or drugs, I feel my brain foggier than normal, but it clears up after a few days.

I had some meth on Friday, and I feel very slow... Been making some mistakes while talking, typing and my head hurts. When something like this happens, I always say I'm not drinking or doing drugs again, but I do it again after I feel better. Because of this I don´t think that I can get sober.

I'm scared guys, like I said, I don't think I can stop drinking or doing drugs, and honestly I really don´t want to quit. I'm afraid that one day I will drink or do drugs and become retarded and there will be no return point.

Also, sometimes I think that everyone notices that I'm brain damaged but people just don't say anything about it in front of me. And that I've not been fired from my job because maybe my superiors are just like the guy is very weird, but he gets the job done.

Or sometimes I think that my brain is not damaged anymore. If I were retarded, I did not have a job or I would´ve been fired already. People would notice it immediately and they would just start treating me like a retard, that's not the case. Maybe I'm just traumatized from what happened... and its just anxiety. This is also what I tell myself when I decide to drink or take drugs.

I also, went with a neurologist, he told me not to worry about it, that I'm fine. He said that people brain damaged are not aware of their condition. The doc just told me to stop doing drugs.

What are your thoughts? Please no trolls, this is something very delicate for me.

English is not my first language. If you notice any mistakes in my writing it's not necessary because of the possible brain damage that I still might have