Vent)

Of corse when I've been stuck a town over from home with a flat, after getting fired and now having to use rent and electric money for tire, all three of my favorite people (who are together ish,) tell me they can't be around me if im doing meth. Andi get it, im not mad at them, i just really fucking hate myself. Any time and everything i start believing in myself or trusting other people i fuck shit up. I stop forcing myself to over achieve and get fired. I hurt people, i can't funding handle how funding complicated social interaction's are. My autism hates trying to make friends and my bpd can lt help but wanting people to like me, my trauma needs to be needed by other people and to be useful to feel important/not worthless.

He said if i ever get clean and stay clean to hit them up. I was already fighting myself about even making friends with people rn with how unstable my life and mental state are. So i guess my internal struggle got answered.

hell my roommate is my dru dealer, i mean mine are free and have been, we've been friends longwr than drug buddies, but even if i quit, meth is the only thing keeping my head clear, my anxiety down, eating less to save food for everyone else bc we can barely afford food for 1 person let alone 4, i need it to be able to work when i haven't been able to eat a meal im days. It's cause problems sure, drugs do im not dumb. But it's my only solution to more problems than it's causing.

I need a job. Or disability just money. Enough mony quick enough to keep the apartment. Then i can focus on fixing myself. Actually deciding if im physically and mentally able to work a full or part time job instead of working because i have no choice.

I don't know. There's so many things to balance and juggle and fix and solve and handle right now im almost right there with m^rdr-s__cide just to be happier. I don't known how to handle working with my head space. Post mental breakdown life is hard.

I wanna killed. I cabt but i want to