I've been diagnosed with PTSD and antisocial personality disorder, but wow, I've done a bunch of psychedelics before but I just did ketamine and wow. I am an abomination before God to myself. I don't even know if Im aspd anymore, I think I may just be chronically depressed and have been anhedonic since early childhood. Wtf, how has the medical system failed me so gravely. Why has god failed me, why has the world forsaken me? There is no justice in the world. I may have just been being asexual as cope too. Idk. I made a post on r/confessions yesterday too about seeing a girl be tender and sweet to a young boy and rustle his hair and I wanted to marry her right there. Like not fuck her but I wanted to cuddle her and have her whisper "I love you honey" into my ear as we fell asleep snuggling. I might still be asexual because sex is still unappealing and scary but wow I actually for the first time saw another person as a potential mate and it was like I had been standing my whole life and just sat down. Heroin type shit. Seriously what the fuck. I was sexually abused by my mom and abused in other ways by her too so maybe I was kind of projecting o to the kid and I just want a mommy figure (sometimes a cigar is just a cigar though blah blah blah something something something Freud) yo my life is a straight up fucking movie. A horror movie. This is fucking heartbreaking, life shatteringly depressing. No wonder I'm depressed, I can't believe this is my fucking actual life. I don't even feel like a person. I am as though a withered husk is; evil be thenceforth my good.