Hey, first post here I think.

So, sometimes I have weird dreams. Dreams that I remember more than others; and by saying that I mean dreams that stick with me for years, vividly. Half my life, really. To this day, 18 years later, I still remember the look of the valley I think I grow old and die in. I know my wife (I'm not currently married) dies before me. This dream recurred throughout my teenage years, and at one point a dog showed up and stayed. A red Golden Retriever.

The valley was full of wildflowers, and one end led out to the sea, or at least a view of a large body of water.

I still look for it on Google maps. There's a wooden 2 story cabin. It's got a deck, rocking chair, little rug. Don't know if I built it though. My wife's grave is just a bit down the valley, on a hillock, surrounded by wildflowers.

Me and the dog visit it every day or every other day or so. Once I started to think of it and regard it as fact, it stopped recurring.

Regardless, I figured I would come post my dream last night and see if anyone has any ideas. It's another vivid dream and one part in particular I can't get out of my head.

THE DREAM: While all of it isn't entirely in the right order in my head, I remember a great deal of it with exceptional clarity.

"The Void" - there was a portal, of sorts. It was very traditional I suspect, though my memory of the "place" it was in is hazy. I think my brain pulled from a game I've been playing lately, "Valheim". When you go through the portals in the game, it's a very low rez cloudy vortex (think "Eye of the storm") and the area the portal was in was very much like that except vivid and colorful and real. It led to a place people called "The void" which was essentially much like a back country neighborhood in reality. Dirt roads, trees, mountain-town ish. Houses in the area were kinda dilapidated but functional, lots of trucks and practical vehicles. No arable land excepting perhaps people's gardens.

I remember thinking "How do people get food up here to the void?" A very very old friend of my older brothers lived there. I was going to visit. She kinda lived a little rough but she seemed really happy. There were pictures of my older brother visiting. They seemed happy in those pictures, though they did seem dated. A remembrance of older times, when they were younger and had more energy. I remember looking on them and feeling a bit sad, but happy as well in knowing they lived in a way that made them feel they'd done what they wanted with life.

As I left the void, things get hazy for a bit. I can't remember if I met "The Girl" in the void, and we left together, or outside of it.

But on to the part I can't get out of my head, of course -

"The Girl" - I wanted to write this down somewhere because it's so vivid. I don't know that I'll ever forget it, but I still feel like I need to write it so I know what I felt was real.

God I could tell I was going to love her.

I think I already did. I couldn't take my eyes off her at one point.

We were wandering down the road together, after having driven her truck away from a weird, fun little sun-dappled area where there was an old treehouse. I couldn't tell you exactly how we met, just that I know it was "new". That period where you're dating but you're still kinda trying to figure out how serious it's going to be. I know she liked me. I even know she liked me a lot, despite still being in that uncertain stage of the relationship.

She was blonde, a very light blonde. Which is weird, I can't ever remember ever dreaming of or meeting a girl who looked like her, even down to that bright blonde hair. I'm not a guy who particularly likes "blonde blue eyed girls". I'm convincing myself my brain pulled her face from somewhere but I can't remember for the life of me where.

Blonde, with a little sun hat, and freckles, and fuck what a smile she had. Her eyes WERE blue. I know because at one point, we stopped by a record store and I just looked at her.

REALLY looked, which I think most of you can attest is hard to achieve in a dream. I mean I SAW her so CLEARLY. She would look back at me and smile at first, then just looked back at me. I think she got embarrassed the longer I looked at her and she finally laughed and asked what I was looking at.

I remember saying "Just you. All of you."

Suddenly, the real world kind of intruded on my dream, and I remembered I'm in a relationship already, and I thought "Oh man, how am I gonna handle loving two women at the same time?" That's when I woke up.

Next to my long term girlfriend I've recently moved in with. I've never done that with a significant other before. I've had a dream about her that stuck with me too, but it was not a great dream and I've been a bit worried in the back of my head ever since. I know I don't want to get married to her, but the relationship is pretty healthy and good as far as relationships go. We've really been here for each other throughout the pandemic, and helped each other through a lot of issues. I do love her, in a way that you love someone who's helped you through so much and knows you in a way that not many other people have ever seen. I love the way we treat each other, and how healthy our communication is.

I've just never had that "spark" for her. That invisible something that makes you look at them and go "That's who I want to spend the rest of my life with". I've just never truly been able to see through to that. I kinda hope I will eventually, but dreams like this one...

I felt that for "The Girl". I looked at her and thought "She could be it, and I think I'd be ok with that". I remember feeling relieved when I woke up that she didn't exist, that she was just a dream, because then it wouldn't complicate things. It wouldn't make me pull my heart back and forth. I'm happy, for the most part, with my current girlfriend. I don't WANT something like that to come along and ruin this. I know it's a choice I can make. But I'm also worried that if I find that girl, in my dreams, it'll make waiting for that feeling to come with my current girlfriend very hard to hold out hope for.