The Leak

The drama begins on 13 August, when someone leaked a copy of the travel expenses of the Leader of New Zealand's National Party (and Leader of the Opposition), Simon Bridges, to the media.

The documents showed Bridges spent $130,000 on travel and accommodation, but, tragically, spent nothing on curing his lisp, mongoloid features or insufferable smugness.

A critical point is that the documents were due to be released in a few days, anyway.

Bridges claims 'Not My Leak'

On 14 August, Simon Bridges says he's absolutely confident the source of the leak isn't anyone in his own National Party. He demands an independent review by a lawyer charging your rent and/or crack addiction per hour, because fuck it, it's important to know why information came out a few days earlier than intended. Fuck you, it is too important!

The Speaker of the House of Representatives dutifully announces an investigation into the source of the leak. He says the leak could only have come from the Speaker's office, parliamentary staffers or the Simon Bridges' own National Party caucus.

Bridges claims it couldn't be his caucus because only his front-bench MPs had a copy, but then has to backtrack, because he's functionally retarded and didn't check facts.

Enter our hero, Jami-Lee Ross, a front-bench National Party Member of Parliament. For no obvious reason, JRL publicly denies being the source of the leak, and says he has "absolute confidence" in leader Simon Bridges.

On 16 August, the MP travel expenses are formally released. Surprise! The leak was accurate, and Bridges spent three times more than the next fuckwit.

But muh mental health!

The leaker subsequently sends a text message to Bridges, the Speaker, and the journalist who initially published the leak, asking for the inquiry to be called off because they have a "prolonged mental illness" and that, if the report is released, they might kill themselves. The leaker claims to be a member of the National Party caucus.

Despite the text message, Simon Bridges doubles down and blames the government, denying that his own party MPs would fuck him like that.

The Speaker chooses to end the inquiry, stating that it's an internal National Party issue. Simon Bridges REEEEEEEs, demanding that the investigation continue.

A senior National MP Gerry Brownlee (who looks and acts like the Hindenburg) spits fire at the Speaker and claims the inquiry must go on to clear the National Party MPs.

Bridges petulantly stamps his foot and REEEEs, demanding the Speaker and the Prime Minister tell him what they know about the leak.

The Investigation

In late August, National begins its own internal investigation, even though Bridges remains sceptical. Blimp-boy Brownlee suggests they might keep the investigation report secret if there is a head-case involved.

Subsequently it's revealed the Speaker did conduct an inquiry into the leak anyway, focusing on his own staff, but it showed no leak from anyone outside the National Party. Oops!

Jami-Lee Ross has re-entered the game!

On September 19, Deputy Prime Minister and professional troll Winston Peters tells Parliament everyone there already knows who the leaker is, while looking at Jami-Lee Ross' vacant seat.

"The New Zealand taxpayers paying for this absolutely mindless, hopeless inquiry, the end pathway and result of which we already know. So why don't we just cut to the chase here? Pay the money over to us, and we'll give you the answer. Ha, ha! It is phenomenal"

On 2 October, Simon Bridges announces JLR will be stepping down from the National Party front bench and taking leave from Parliament to deal with some "embarrassing" personal health issues.

Simon Bridges subsequently apologises for calling Mr Ross' problems "embarrassing". He refuses, however, to apologise for his smug fucking face or for his lisp.

Jami-Lee Ross, for his part, tells reporters he is "pissed off" with Simon Bridges for calling his problems "embarrassing".

Hell week begins

A journalist confronts Bridges with fresh leaks, showing Bridges at negative 25 percent favourability, and some questionable political donations made to Bridges directly.

JLR goes full-retard on Twitter. He said Bridges was his friend but claims he went all Mean Girls on him. JLR denied being the leaker and accused Mr Bridges of breaking electoral law.

Mr Bridges minutes later says the inquiry had found Mr Ross was the likely leaker.

JLR is unanimously kicked out of the National Party, becoming an independent MP.

At the same time, Mr Ross holds a spectacular, incoherent hour-long sperg-out via press conference, detailing Mr Bridges' alleged wrongdoing including allegations of electoral fraud and being a smug git - and claiming he has recordings and text messages to prove it.

Mr Ross says he'll resign his seat on Friday, 19 October.

Mr Bridges categorically denies Mr Ross' allegations.

Mr Ross tweets photographs of Mr Bridges with Chinese businessman Zhang Yikun, whom he alleges donated $100,000 to the party which was split up to avoid reporting thresholds.

In response to JLR's outburst, senior National Party MP Paula Bennett states, bizarrely:

"At no point was the matter of sexual harassment ever put to Jami-Lee Ross. What was put to him was inappropriate behaviour that is unacceptable from a married Member of Parliament."

Ms Bennett confirms Simon Bridges had met with Zhang Yikun, but is uncertain about what was discussed, whether any donation was made, or whether he raped and murdered three prostitutes in 1994.

Mr Ross files a complaint with police, and releases a recording of a conversation he had with Mr Bridges, in which they discuss the $100,000 donation.

But it also contains discussion stating , among other things, that two Chinese National Party MPs are worth more than two Indians, calling a named National MP, Maureen Pugh, "fucking useless", and detailed plans to turf out 4 senior members of the Party, including the former Speaker of the House and a former Attorney-General.

Mr Bridges apologises for calling Maureen Pugh "fucking useless", but refuses to say sorry to the Indian community for his comments. He calls Mr Ross a "liar" and a "terrible person".

Jami-Lee Ross, terminal sex pest

On 18 October, the media publish four women's complaints against Jami-Lee Ross. They accuse him of being a narcissist who used "brutal sex" to "dig dirt" on others. Media publish that there are at least five more women who want to dish on JRL.

JLR defends himself(?) by stating Bridges told him up to 15 women have sexual harassment complaints against him. He admits banging a former staffer, and tells media he's been sleeping with a married MP. He names her, but media refuse to name her.

Maureen Pugh's mum comes to her defence, calling Mr Bridges a "dumb-arse" and telling him to "go suck eggs".

Meanwhile, professional troll Winston Peters rocks up to a press conference, whips out his phone, and plays "Burning Bridges" on YouTube.

In the afternoon, Mr Ross releases text messages between himself and National Party general manager Greg Hamilton. He says it proves the National Party knew the donation was legally dubious. National denies the claims.

That evening, media report that the National Party president Peter Goodfellow signed a confidentiality agreement with a woman after she complained about Mr Ross' behaviour - and it's believed this happened as much as two years ago. Other rumours swirl about National Party silencing harassed women and bullied staff.

When questioned about what the Party knew, a senior National Party MP claims that they were "too busy" to realise or notice that JLR is a notorious sex-pest who harasses anything in his general vicinity.

The High Commissioner of India criticises Mr Ross and Simon Bridges' comments in the leaked recording, saying he is "deeply disappointed and very hurt". India proclaims Simon Bridges' home a designated shitting street.

Mr Ross said earlier in the week he intends to resign on Friday, triggering a by-election which he will contest. That was before Thursday's claims of inappropriate sexual and bullying behaviour emerged.

The twist

Friday comes and goes, and Jami-Lee Ross tells the National Party to go fuck itself, stating he won't be resigning either from the Party or from Parliament. Instead he'll sit in the House as a quasi-independent MP only nominally inside the National Party.

For the sake of drama, we can only hope that he'll use the sanctity of Parliamentary privilege to sexually harass everyone in the National Party, which they'll surely be too busy to notice.

Update

Jami-Lee Ross has been taken into compulsory mental health care by the Police. Police have declined to comment, and the National Party have expressed concern for his health. We shall see what happens!