For context, I’ve always found myself to be rather introspective.. As egotistical and self-righteous as that might sound. I don’t mean this in an “i know everything, i’m smarter than you” sort of way, but a “hm i wonder the way my brain functions correlates with xyz and how it looks to others” sort of way.. (if that even makes sense). That need to see the hidden parts of life lead me to researching the psychoactive properties of certain drugs. Specifically weed (as it tends to be the safest)

Another reason I chose specifically to indulge was to quell my inner anxiety and hopelessness. Maybe even with the hopes of coming out of it with some sort of new “zest for life” if that even makes sense

I began my journey of smoking weed/carts and taking edibles in december of 2022.. and fuck man.. call me a pussy, but i don’t feel like me anymore.

My first time smoking was lame as hell. It was bud my friend bought from some guy. I’m almost certain I just wasn’t inhaling right, mainly because I found it to be harsh as hell on my throat and lungs (no shit). However, despite that factor I figured I’d try again

I purchased a cart and a pack of med-grade edibles from another friend and proceeded to try half an edible that first night i had them.

The first 30 minutes were heaven. I finally felt all my pain leave, and the feeling of rising set in.. This was then followed by something I absolutely never would’ve expected. My eyes couldn’t focus, my legs began twitching like hell, i felt like my past traumas were being played out faintly on a big screen around my room, i didnt feel real, and the most paralyzing feeling of being a prisoner in my head began to set in. This wasn’t fun, this wasn’t fun dissociative headspace, I felt like I was doomed to be trapped. Like I was going to die.

Since that experience, I’ve smoked several times after this and have had 4–6 different episodes of this sort of dp/dr type shit happen during it all.

Shit just made me feel so alone in life. I question my own existence more than i ever have, and the realization that the way my electrons fire around in my brain and the way my brain’s wiring is coordinates my every sighting of reality has finally hit me. The concept that one soft-drug could shift it so violently was one i just wasn’t ready to handle.

do you guys know what’s wrong with me? has anyone else experienced this? i feel weak for not being able to handle this.

edit: don’t mind sentence n phrasing mistakes, i’m quite tired rn