I've been looking to score some cash and I know a lot of you don't have much money to spend. Also I love to teach. So I'll make you a deal: I'll do my absolute best to help you win a prize in your next OTB tournament in return for 90% of the profit (prize money minus your entry fee). For the memes (and to cover some expenses) I may or may not charge sixty-nine cents per lesson.

Now, there are reasons why you shouldn't hire me. I'll list as many as I can think of, but if I've missed any put them in the comments - I'll respond/edit this post if I agree. If at all possible I'd like you help you make a good choice, so:

Don't do this if:

• You haven't got your mind set on entering a U900, U1200, or U1500 OTB tournament within 4 weeks. I'm willing to consider other formats but a prize or some form of compensation needs to be involved.

• You mind being coached by a 1980? Lichess classical player. I can teach like nobody you've met (I've taught multiple skills over the last 9 years) and you'll enjoy every minute. But there's a non-zero chance you might learn some bad habits that GMs understand and I do not.

• You care about playing a beautiful game. I'll teach you the ugliest possible type of chess, the one where you're losing half the game but consistently win because your opponent did an oopsie.

• You actually have no choice but to win. Don't bet large sums of money on yourself - I'm extremely decent as a teacher and am willing to explain/justify every choice I make, but none of my students have won a tournament yet. If you're entering a tournament it has to be for your love of the game.

Think of me as the experimental, dare-devil sensei with a disturbing amount of undiagnosed ADHD. I love to put myself in a difficult teaching situation and see how I'll overcome - no matter whether you win or you lose, we'll both be much improved at the end.

Bid and send me a DM with your Discord username. I have two students and time for another.