I was proud of myself for deleting him from the only place I could. I hate that I found myself unable to forget his username and sent him a friend request again. I hate that I can't undo it. I hate that he'll see this. Maybe. If he ever actually cared. I hate that I want him to.

I hate how attached I still feel to him. I hate that I see him in my dreams and it feels like he's actually there. I miss him. I hate that I still love him. I hate that I know it's just stupid brain things but I can't help it. I hate that I can't control it. It's been an emotional year and I've tried so hard to purge everyone and I've tried to purge him but I can't.

It's like he embedded himself into my psyche and won't release. Like he conditioned me to him. I know it's the idea. The idea of him. Of what he could have been. The Master he could have been. I still think of all the ways in which I'd be devoted to him. I hate that I know I want a TPE dynamic. I hate that I want to be owned. Because those ideas didn't exist before him. And now it's all that I want. It's all that I crave.

I hate that I compare everyone to him. They're not as handsome as him. They don't have as deep of a voice as him. They don't say all the right things in the right ways. They don't deny me like he did.

And I know, I know, I know he's not good for me. I know we are not meant to be because it's been well over a year and it hasn't been. It felt like it would work and then things would crumble. I hate that he doesn't care. Why doesn't he care. Why didn't he ever come see me. Why did he lie. Why did he keep stringing me along. Why did I let him.

He's the magnetic north and I'm a broken compass that still points back to him. It's soul crushing. It's debilitating. It's heart breaking. It's gut wrenching. And still all I want is him. I want it to be him. I want to be devoted to him. Owned by him. I hate that he never collared me. I hate that he collared her. I hate him for how he devastates me. Broken. Just like he wanted. So broken.

I hate that no matter how many others I try to get under, I still can't get over him. I wish time would hurry up and pass quicker so I can leave him in the past. Fuck. This sucks. It sucks so much to love sometimes.

But I deserve so much more... I have so much love and devotion to give to someone who deserves it. Someone who chooses me. Who chooses to communicate and respect and actually shows up. There's a Master out there who is willing to go through the ringer with me and not abandon me.

Whoever invented heartbreak had a sick sense of humor.

I like baby girl ... Maybe if I hear someone else say it enough I'll forget him calling me that