Hello, my wife and I separated last month. We have two young kids in elementary school. We live in Central New York State. I was the breadwinner, she worked some under the table jobs, but the revenue cancelled out the profit and she only brought home a few grand a year. Now Shes living with her boyfriend, who I know makes almost double my income. We agreed to 50/50 custody right off the bat and wanted to stay friends and keep things amicable. I grew up in a non-amicable divorced family so it's very important to me not to set the same bad example for our kids.

However, today I tried to approach her about a tentative child support plan, and she was not receptive at all. She wants the court to decide all the child support and spousal support topics. I consider child support a moral obligation, but I want to make sure it calculated fairly. I based my recommendation of 50% of the monthly costs of our home (groceries, kids clothes, dr. copays, etc...) which we used a specific account to manage for many years.

I'm not going to discuss this with her personally anymore. However, I want to know if anyone else had a similar situation and if you have any advice.

Financially, we have some equity in our house and my 401k. However, over the last 10 years the home was a money pit and I had to take out multiple personal loans to pay for various emergency repairs (new roof, completely new septic, new furnace and HVAC, new mudroom after a flood, several other similar problems.) Ultimately, if I add up all the equity and debt we would be in the hole. So, my overall desire is to keep the equity and debt and let her walk away without a burden. I don't want to pay spousal support and wanted to keep the child support on par with our historical spending. if she "throws the book at me" I would likely need to declare bankruptcy.

In my personal opinion, I think she has some undiagnosed mental health problems that cause a lot of "self-damaging" decisions. The night I finally told her this was the night we split up. The anger and hate that came out of her really caught me off guard, and it all happened in front of our oldest. I had flashbacks to my abusive stepfather and the whole situation convinced me it was the end. She also doesn't have any "real world" experience and from what I've seen bases a lot of choices on what she sees happen on TV.

I'm seeing a therapist to manage my personal emotions to make sure I don't let my anger influence anything I do, but overall, I'm furious that I funded her entire life, just for her to leave for someone else with more money, and still expect me to pay for her needs. I know child support is for the kids, and not her, but I'm worried she will take advantage of the legal situation.

I know anything on here isn't legal advice, and this is just my side of the story. But any information, good or bad, will be appreciated.

Thanks,