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How do you handle the sense of betrayal a ten year old child feels?
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Separated 3 times - reconciled thrice, over the last 6-6.5 years. Won’t get into the ins and outs but there’s a lot of history and bad blood (if anyone wants to get into details, my post history could add some context).

I finally took the absolute decision around May last year that I can’t keep this farce up and continue this sham of a one sided attempt at keeping our marriage going. One reason was selfish but more than that it was for my child’s sake. So that she didn’t have to grow up around two parents in constant conflict and disrespect; so that she would understand that there’s a higher standard to a relationship than just being together for a child’s sake. To be brutally honest, so that I could parent her better rather than have my narc wife cut me down at every possible opportunity. So that within the time and space I have with her under the framework of whatever custodial arrangement we would finally agree on, I was able to show my child how important empathy, thinking about others, being considerate, at the same time principled and stable are.

I’m sorry if I sound like I’m ranting. I’ve always been conscientious with my decisions often at the risk of sacrificing my own desires or needs. At least I’d like to think I have been.

The problem is this - almost every time I drop my ten year old off, it is absolute torture for her. Today probably has been the worst I’ve seen her and the most f-ed up I have ever felt. All our previous separations were at her mother’s initiation, forget instigations. I’ve always been there for her and even her mother. Heck, even after all the hate her mom has shown me even during this final separation, was the one rushing her from one hospital to the other when she fell sick. Again, I feel I am digressing here.

Today I picked up my kid from football practice to drop her back to her mom’s place. All was good until we reached there. Discussed her goalkeeping, the things she’s working on, how she feels she can improve; everything. Her mom wears this mask of civility with me in front of our kid, and invited me in to sit down while she had her food. I knew it was a mistake, but gave in. And as soon as that ended and it was time for me to leave, it started. Don’t go. I want you here forever. Don’t leave me. You hate me , that’s why you’re leaving.

I’ve tried being as mature as possible and taken as much blame as possible over the course of the last few months. I don’t want to destroy my daughter’s relationship with her mother and her trust in humanity, by showing her how much of a lying, cheating, gold digging, emotionally manipulative sadist her mother can be. I keep telling my daughter that sometimes two people can be happier apart. That sometimes however much you want to make it work, you can’t. At the same time I know that she’s just ten and it’s too much for me to expect from her.

I swear to god, I wish I could find the strength and patience in me to reconcile for my kid’s sake but I can’t. I know my patience has run out , and I just don’t have it in me to put any energy in me to make it work.

I don’t even know if I’m expecting advice, sympathy or what from the sub or if I’m ranting here.

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10 months ago