Hey, not sure if there are better r/ threads to be posting to but looking for some advice or questions I can ask regarding my post below. My goal would be for us to eventually work back together to a place where we're no longer getting a divorce and are back together. However that seems like it might not ever happen without find out all the answers I need, in which case the final out divorce date is May.

So my wife and I have reached a mutual breaking point in our marriage near the beginning of 2024, we decided to divorce around April, ended our "romantic" relationship there after, and found separate living locations in July. We been separated and going through the divorce process since. From July until new years we were completely separate and non-communicative unless it dealt specifically with the divorce or kids (50/50 custody). During that time I KNOW (caught her red handed on one instance) she was seeing other people, and so was I. However over the new year we had a rekindling of our romantic feelings and even agreed to continue with the divorce however remain sexually exclusive until complete and until we both agreed to break off our new "separated-relationship" CONFERTATION: SO! In a quick recap of the instance I caught her red handed with someone else, it was while we were still separated and non-talking. I know we're still married and that alone could be enough to still be considered "cheating" however honestly I'm not too hung up on that instance due to the time frame. The cheating confrontation will be more recent. During this instance, I had reached out to her due to some poor planning on my part where I needed some diapers to get though the remainer of the night. It was late and the stores were already closed, think midnight / 1am ish. I had came over to her place to pick up the diapers, and when she opened the door to hand them over there was another man behind her standing in the kitchen. Unfortunately I did recognize him as an ex high-school boyfriend of hers that lives out of state. Fast forward to the confrontation, AFTER new years we had a drunken night together that ended up turning into the best first week of the new year. The kids were over joyed that we were together again, and for just a bit life was good. But then reality comes crashing down and the hard questions never stoped by hard, but they had gone unanswered. Throughout the week together I had made small questions to her about what I saw and what she had done while we were separated, not confrontational but think like trying to get a base line of truth or what to expect when the big conventions inevitably came around. She denies everything! At first she states she has been celibate the entire time since we last had sex from April last year. She admitted to "adventuring" to different places or destinations that you'd normally go in groups or as a couple, out of town travels, date locations, etc. But again always on her own. Any mention of her ex I had seen before was always replied with a denial of any sexual activities or romantic intentions. Admittedly I wanted to believe her answer badly enough at the time I accepted her answers each time without any further questioning or "interrogation". I know they weren't the truth then or knew she wasn't being forthcoming about the rest of the time apart but... anyway, it all came to a head a few days later. She didn't/doesn't know i have access to her account messages, I had honestly forgot I did too. Until one day a notification on my laptop reminded me of the multiple accounts I was logged into. When I went on her message account though it was "clean", unfortunately too clean. All her messages had been deleted and her trash history of deleted conversations had been cleared as well. Mentally I knew I had to confront her at that point, and stop taking the easy way out of our issues. I messaged her initially a simple question, one I expected a quick and also simple answer. Instead i got an avoidant response and several non answers replies. I kept pressing on the question "why was your ex at your house" and the lie started falling apart about them not having been romantic or sexual. However again she was being really non specific in her answers and saying she wouldn't answer these questions over text. I asked her when would she answer i person then and she replied during the weekend, it was a Monday. By the end of that night she was in tears trying to salvage our new "situation" by covering up lies with more lies and watching as I replied with messages that tore them apart, her story no longer lined up straight and answers to similar questions were never the same. Eventually she came over that night and admited she had in fact slept with her ex the nights he came from out of state to visit her. As well as having developed a romantic relationship with him that lasted from the fall until just before the new-year eve. Its unclear who broke it off with whom, however its her statement that they were no longer conversations. Again, I'm less hurt by the sexual actions but I am deeply hurt by the lies and the fact that I know she never would've said a thing if I hadn't pushed on that one subject since its something I knew she could tell me I hadn't seen him in person. That night was about 2 weeks ago and I truly still suspect many more instances she hasn't told me about or been truthful about while we were separated. ADVICE AND QUESTIONS NEEDED: this is leading up to today. Since that night my mental overdrive has been going non stop regarding questions or possibilities unanswered. I've done my best to write down the specific questions I have that been bothering me. But what bothers me even more than the questions I've already written down is the possibilities of questions THAT I DONT KNOW TO ASK ABOUT. I'm the type that can mentally process the worst news if I know to expect it. But finding out, learning later, or noticing a story changed or doesn't match up anymore is what is the hardest for me to handle. Below are the list of questions I've come up with, or even prompts I might try to use whenever we talk again to try to get all the answers. A quick note! I still have access to her messages from her old account. ( she started a new account) and can see other contacts still trying to reach out to her via her old account. She doesn't know this. None have been concerning or have sent anything more than a "whats up" or " miss you" one even sent a "hey id like to set a date for us to meet up again". All from different contacts. What kind of questions or prompts would work best to feel like I'm confidently getting the FULL story with every detail.

o.What are we doing as far as our "situationship"? If still getting divorced, why exclusive?

o.What are 5 lies you've told me? What are 3, 5 things you haven't already told me about?

o.Are you/ have you been on any dating apps? Show me

o.What have you messaged, what have you sent?

o.How many dates have you been on?

o.Are you only interested in me again bc of your lack of interesting other options?

o.Time line, events leading up to ex, messages check and number? o.Tell me again in detail about the night with you and ex. (What details have changed and why did they change)