NY, no kids, divorce hasn't been filed, and i have an attorney appt for 2/13/24.

I accept my faults in the relationship. I had taken forever to get a stable job, and she was carrying us finanicially most of the time, but when i got a job, i did whatever i could to help. A few crappy jobs later, i work for the county. I get paid almost $20/hr, and get just under full time hours. It did wonders for my confidence and pride, i felt like a new man. But the better off i was, the worse she became. I started questioning her more about bills, being unwilling to show me my own account balances, because ahe had control over bills for so long, and she always stated "everything is fine, she has it handled, etc." I called places that said payments weren't happening to get conflicting information, called her out on it, yet she stuck to the lies. We(in my name) had to finance a car that turned out to die because of faulty transmission that wasn't covered because it wasn't a recall, and our warranty ran out. She told me she sold it to a dealer for 5k, and that the finance company was getting a check for that amount. Sent me paperwork to prove it. We get evicted from our trailer because we apparentlu owed 3k in rent, but she had proof that she had been paying, yet didn't feel confortable showing it to me. Dealt with that, but we were living separately for awhile. She with her mom and me with my dad. Why couldn't we live together? Idk. Not enough space, didnt want to impose on my dad, etc. Anyway, she wakes up in a house fire(had pictures to prove it happened), yet didnt call to tell me anything until the morning after. So now her WHOLE family moved in to a family friends house. She makes no effort to see me. I make plans for us to see each other, and something always came up i didn't know about from her until the day of, or she made it a mission to leave early. After the 1st month of it like thus i tell her straight up that i don't feel like we're together. I want to trust her. I want to feel like she wants me in her life. She agrees i deserve more, says it's been rough, and that she'll try to be better. Weeks pass. I either get no response from her for hours on end with texts, or when i called, she ignores it and tells me she'll call me later, but with no specific time. She forgets to call me and falls asleep frequently, and im getting pissed, so i start to look into that financing conpany she said she "had handled". No payments, or payments that got returned since March 2023. The loan says I owe 7,000 stil. They said they never got a check. I call the dealership, give them the VIN to see if tgey could find the sale... It never happened. It was DMV paperwork i had seen. Not from the dealer. I confront her, she says she called ford to get to the bottom of it, she said they sent paperwork to her proofing sale happened. I said "send it to me" she said she tried, but her phone wasn't working, so she said she'd get a new one. Said she got a new one a week ago, yet her previous phone has yet to be paid off, so how could this be? I looked into more bills. My national grid bill is $2700 and my national fuel bill is almost $1,000. AND she maxed out both my credit cards when i had shitty jobs, but she said it was to keep us afloat, so i understand, but why did she lie? I told her countless times i want to be included on things even if i couldn't do anything about it BECAUSE WE WERE MARRIED. I improve everything about myself. Reassure her that it'll never be like it was again, and i'll take care if all the bills when we get a new place because she had done it for so long, so it was my turn. She makes no changes to make an effort to see me(at most 5 times in 3 months), but she said i told her things would change and they haven't so she's done? A month before we could start looking again?! She said that after 3 months of being separated. Me wanting to talk before amshe got to work and before bed was too much every day. Me expecting text responses within less than 4 hours, or not expecting my loving and kind texts to her go ignored was too much. If i sent her too long of a message saying how i promise things will get better, and how much i love her, she says "this wall of text is overwhelming" instead of responding or calling me back. She spent the night. Starting at 11pm to 10am. Didn't try to kiss me. Hug me. Nothing. Gave the cats more attention that i yearned for, took the stuff i had bought for her barely saying thank you, and left. Because "her mom needed her card for groceries and she didnt trust just giving it to her, so she had to go with and forgot it was her week to pay". They didnt pay rent. Just groceries with the family friend, but... yeah... she told me she was done. Blocked me. So did her mom. And it's all gone... i accept my fault in the relationship for not having a stable job. That was on me. But i felt like i had to beg for any sort of intimacy. Oh, and she "emotionally" cheated with this guy i told her i wanted her to break ties with after they fell asleep on the couch "by accident". Saw the texts on the phone. We had a huge fight, i told her she was a fucking piece of shit for telling me to work on myself, and when i finally do, she does that. She blocked him, showed me her doing it, and that was that. Had an open phone policy for awhile, but that eventually turned into "oh, you just need to learn to trust me again".

I just... feel angry, bitter at myself for not being better when i could have been, but i assume she still would've lied. But idk. I brought her out, i enjoyed spoiling her, i loved making her smile, but she just... stopped caring about me... i figured the harder i tried, the more she would see, and respect and love me the way i still did her. I never lied. I never cheated. I always made time for her whenever she needed it. I had hobbies, so did she. But... she started treating being close like it was an inconvenience... making walls and boundaries that were one way streets. I had to put up with lack of intimacy from her because "she's got alot going on right now". She had alot of mental issues, chronic migraines and such, but... that's still not a reason to shut the person you're with out. Im so broken.