I just want it over. We could have been done with this in May. He refused to sign the papers. Now im struggling to do basic things without painful thoughts and emotions rising all the time. I spend time with friends and family and it's just a distraction until I'm alone again. Movies don't help, work doesn't help. I held marriage as a sacred thing and want to heal before I meet someone. I did meet someone and they make me feel things I haven't in a long time. I want to be free to explore these feelings but I still feel trapped.

I want someone to love my crazy side and bring out my best. I didnt have that in our marriage. I was struggling to have him see my self worth and I lost that along the way. I am sad and angry all the time. I get upset quickly and put on a fake smile most of the time. How do I heal without the closure of the divorce? How do I find my self worth? How do I prove to myself that I am enough? How do I not settle for less? Is it wrong to start a relationship with someone while I'm in this limbo? How do I trust someone again to help me? How do I find love again?

I want to stop feeling this pain of loss when I didnt change. I have lost so much and don't feel whole anymore. I went above and beyond and let him come be with 2 of the dogs as I had to say goodbye. He offered to hug me which I needed but the idea of him touching me makes me sick. There is just so much going on in my head that I feel broken and useless. I dont feel like i deserve to find happiness again.

I just want the pain to stop so I can feel normal again.

We have been together since 2006, married in 2010...and now half my life was spent with this man that I now realize never loved me the way I needed. Couldn't love me the way I needed. Didnt love me for me. How do I begin to heal from that.