My (31m) STBX (30f) told me a little while back that she no longer felt like she wanted to be married and that she wanted to leave. We have two kids together. I begged her to stay. Pleaded with her. Asked her to try couple’s therapy and the whole 9 yards. She told me she would be leaving after Halloween. I told her I’d fight for her to stay (as far as talking it out and seeing if we could work out whatever the issues were before taking it to the extreme of leaving) until the end. That it wasn’t over until it was OVER. Well, I had to go out of town for business the other day and she drove me to the airport. Everything seemed ok and we actually had a conversation that left me thinking things had the chance of improving. Cut to me at the airport today waiting to board my flight back home when she drops the bombshell... she was packing her stuff and would be gone before I got home. Again, I begged her to stay. At least to stay the rest do the time she had given me. So that I could enjoy the rest of that time with my children in a “normal” setting before upending all of our lives with this. She wouldn’t do it. She was gone by the time I got home. Drawers emptied, kids clothes and toys gone, etc..

I feel so empty inside. I feel such a breach of trust. How can I ever believe a word she says to me in the future when she lied about so much regarding this? How can I have normal interactions with her when I feel so betrayed? She says she didn’t plan for it to be like this but how else can I see it? It feels like she’s hiding something from me. This doesn’t seem like the actions of a guilt free person with a clean conscience. I hate myself right now. I want to hate her but god damn it I still fucking love her with every fiber of my soul and for the life of me I can’t figure out why. It would be so much easier to hate her. To ride that wave of anger. She hasn’t told the children what is going on right now. They think they’re out visiting family for a sleep over for the next few days. Part of me wants to tell them so that they understand what’s happening. Part of me wants to let her do it since she’s the one that made the decision to leave. Either way it just feels wrong.

I don’t know how to continue on with life without my kids at home. She swears she won’t keep me away from the kids or them from me but again how can I trust her? My work schedule is crazy sometimes and will only get worse here on out until after Christmas is behind us. All I can think of is the amount of time I’m going to miss. Coming home was never a burden because I knew they would all be there. Now it’s just silence. Constant, never changing silence. No more kids arguing. No more sounds of games being played. No more feet running across the floor. Just the sound of lonely me when I get enough energy to bring myself to use the bathroom or get a drink. 2020 has been a motherfucker so far and this honestly is just the cherry on top for me now.

I’m not a saint. I don’t want to pretend like I was perfect. For a while I was not well. Growing up my family didn’t take mental health seriously. Any issues were just a matter of “sucking it up” because the world doesn’t revolve around our problems. As a result I was ingrained with that mentality. I ignored my mental health and the warning signs that came with it for years. The anxiety, the depression, and even untreated ADD/ADHD.. all things that created and wreaked havoc on my life in many ways. My STBX had been dealing with depression since her teenage years. She spent a long while ignoring it as well. I’m the last two to three years we made a really serious push to try and get things under control. Mind you, I tried multiple times throughout my life to get help and was constantly ignored by doctors. I was always told to lose weight and that all my problems mental and otherwise would be solved. Yes, seriously. She would get prescribed something, not like how it made her feel, and be told that that was all she would get. So why continue trying, right? Well we found a doctor that truly cares about what she does and about her patients around a year and a half ago. It took up until a month ago from that time to get a medicine combo that truly worked well for me to combat the depression/anxiety and also handle the ADD/ADHD symptoms. My STBX just got a combo that works for her too. For me, I feel like a whole different person. I feel as if I woke up from a long dream and I can’t even recognize the person that I was to the person I am now. In a positive way. I thought with her having dealt with mental health issues her entire life that this would’ve helped her understand the issues. Maybe that’s too much of an assumption from me. It sounds childish but it doesn’t seem fair. We’ve spent half of our lives together and for it to end like this just makes all that time feel like it was a waste and all for nothing. What is the meaning of life when half of life as you know it meant so little that the person you love and have dedicated yourself to can just run off when you’re not there and tells you via text instead of in person and honoring their own word as to when it would happen?

I honestly don’t even know what I’m hoping to achieve with this post. I don’t think there’s anything really to achieve. I hate myself. I hate my life right now. I hate how convoluted this whole situation has become. I don’t know who I can trust anymore. What I can trust. I don’t know what love is, because how can I? I thought I knew what love was but that love stabbed me in the back. I always grew up thinking love could conquer all. Cliché I know but I truly believe it. Now I know that’s a lie. I don’t think true love exists anymore. Romantic love anyways. Idk. Good night.