I (38M) really believed we were in a good place. My wife (37F) and I have been together for a little over 10 years (and married for about 8 of them). We have two adorable young boys (5 and 1.5) and just bought our dream home together in a nice neighbourhood 6 months ago.

The journey here has taken a few turns (moving countries, multiple miscarriages, a reset of my career as I started and grew a business, …) but it all felt like a natural part of the story. We’ve had a handful of fights in these 10 years, which is understandable given we are completely different people. We’re from different cultural, racial, language, socio-economic, and life experience backgrounds, … but it all seemed to work because we were open and communicative and complimented each other.

I really thought we understood and supported one another. And my family adores her.

All this unravelled during one of these arguments in mid January. As with many of our other arguments, it was about how close she was with other men. This time it was about a texting relationship that I felt was far too intense (a few hours per day at the outset, and has calmed down since). Instead of pausing to understand her side of the story, the anxious and insecure person in me tried to control the situation by asking for things like no phones in the bedroom. She interpreted this as massively controlling, and point blank told me she is not going to back off. I kept escalating it, pointing out that she seemed to have no interest in me and instead only wishes to talk to other people.

And this is when she broke.

In an emotional conversation (which is unusual for her), she blurted out that she is tired of having to change who she is for me. That she hasn’t loved me in a long time. And that she will never sleep with me again — she’s tired having acted for so long. (Years?) And that she's been scared to express all this before, but now she is admitting all this expecting I would walk out right then and there.

But I didn’t, and wanted to understand more about what went wrong. At this point she immediately put us on a “break” (as in no physical or emotional intimacy) and we’ve been living essentially separated in the same flat (the supposed dream home) for the past months. We only communicate around practical matters for the children as she gets space to work through her feelings.

Initially she would say she “was confused” as to what to do and could only see two options: 1. Leave and look for happiness elsewhere or 2. Stay with me for the children, home and shared finances, and be unhappy. But in the months since, we have tried couples therapy (which fizzled out in seven or eight weeks because the therapist wasn’t great and then COVID-19 got in the way of the sessions) and she’s been going to individual therapy. This has been great for her but all that it has resulted in is that she feels stronger that her personal happiness is important (which I obviously agree with) and now she is a lot less confused: she just wants to walk away.

I have taken this time to work a lot on myself and have grown to be a better, calmer person. But I don’t know how to ask her to reconsider when she genuinely believes people cannot change. I feel like we’re throwing a lot away for this abstract notion that she can only be happy outside this marriage, without taking the time to consider what might genuinely be making her sad in it. I know I am a big part but I cannot be all of it, as there are possibly many things at play here: postpartum, childcare, sleep deprivation, career uncertainty, financial difficulty, social isolation, or lack of sexual attraction because of returning to birth control or being touched out by children.

I am doing my best to give her space but if anyone knows what else I could be doing to make our lives happier, I am open to ideas. At this point I don’t even know if I want to save the marriage or become close friends again for a good co-parenting relationship post divorce.