I am 43 (M) and STBX 43(F) and have 1 daughter, who is 6. STBX has son from previous marriage. In the beginning, it seemed like a fairy tale, and I helped her a lot. Her first ex left her stranded and with many unpaid bills. Soon, I come swinging into the picture and helped her get back on her feet.

I suffer from anxiety/depression and have struggled from an abusive past. Due to this, I can be quite irritable with fear and rejection, sometimes pushing people away. STBX and I would start getting in arguments, due to her being nitpicky. For instance, she would tell me that the photo frames were not at 90 degree angles. Also, she would make comments on my eating habits, as I can be a little noisy of an eater. Admittedly, I felt through our whole marriage that she never loved me. But, there was one thing that I really loved about her and I got to see how good of a mother she was. She was a great mother and I thought to myself, this is the woman I want to be the mother of my children. Also, she had a devotion to morality and truth that chipped away at my cynicism. 3 months into our marriage, she got pregnant, and our daughter was born. I also developed a relationship with her son, who was about 1, when I met her. He started calling me Papa and I really cared for him. I used the inheritance I got from my mother's death to purchase our first home and pay for our wedding. Sad to say this, but on our honeymoon, I wanted to divorce her. She can say things that can lack discretion. I was always raised with the attitude, if you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything nice at all. I don't even really remember what she said that caused such a turbulence within me.

We had to move and her ex initiated a custody battle with her, since we were moving to a new county. I agreed to put a second mortgage on the home to help her gain custody of her son. Sadly, we lost the custody battle and things started going downhill really fast. I always felt jealous, because she mentioned her ex quite often. I need and want affection from my partner. There was one day, where I had a panic attack, and she looked at me and said, "I cannot help you." I don't want to paint a rosy picture of myself, but my anger eventually alienated her from me. I never hit her, but my anger can be quite menacing.

7 years later, we stonewalled each other for 3 years with no intimacy. Perhaps some minor kissing, but that was it. She told me 2.5 years ago that she no longer loved me, but wanted to stay together for the kids. I would try to email her and ask her for intimacy, but she said she was too hurt. I tried to get her to go to counseling, but that never manifested itself.

Now, she stated 3 weeks ago that we need to sell our home and she wants a divorce. I have tried to get her to reconcile, but she is 100% determined to divorce me. She said all I gave her was pain and that really hurt. I admit I wasn't perfect, but I tried to give her the best that I could.

I had to leave the home, since I didn't want the divorce. I couldn't cope with the fact that I will be losing my family and moved in with my sister. There is much packing left to do, but it is so painful. I can't find the motivation to pack, since it all seems like a lie and the memories really hurt.

Anyhow, here I float and drift in this tempestuous ocean. What I thought was forever came with an expiration date. I am terrified for my daughter and stepson. They don't know yet. Luckily, I am not crying my eyes out anymore, but just find myself in a bad depression. I have been trying to locate a therapist for myself, but have not located one yet. I have very few friends and frankly, I am terrified of being alone.

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Sorry for this being long...

--sarc