We have been married 14 years. Out of which, 10 have been sexless because my husband does not believe in initiating sex, or touching me in any way outside of the bed and I don't do mechanical sex for the sake of it. While for years, I cried and asked him to go to a counselor with me, he gave me empty promises but did not do anything about it. He expected me to book the appointments and drag him there because apparently, I was the one who was unhappy and he was perfectly fine with status quo.

8 years into the marriage, I asked for a divorce. He was shocked ! (LOL) 10 years into the marriage I find him on an extra marital dating website and he plays it off as only chatting and said there was nothing wrong with it till he physically or emotionally cheated on me. Since we live in a very Patriarchal developing nation, I wasn't too keen on filing for a divorce on my own and he finally agreed for counselling. Then refused to make any action plan or take any action to work towards saving this marriage. 13 years into the marriage, I asked for an open marriage. He didn't dispute it. Later called me out for cheating! Still does not want to divorce me. Now I am speaking to a counsellor on my own and he is working to help me move on from this relationship.

And because it still makes me feel guilty that I could not make my marriage work and that my family will never understand the emotional abuse I had to go through the hands of this man (they think the sun shines out of his ass!), every time I have second thoughts about separation, I would like to take this time to quickly write why I need to move out of this relationship. Please bear with me as I list all of those:

1. He is a man with unstable / fragile self image who needs validation from everyone outside himself to make him feel like a success. Any complaints / facts/ discussions that highlight a dissonance between how he sees himself and how he actually is will get him to deny / lie / blame others including me for the same.
2. He is willing to settle for an unsatisfactory marriage to avoid the hard work of confronting the issues, resolving problems and establishing a satisfying relationship. Doesn't believe he needs help dealing with his challenges, because "What will the counselor tell me outside of what i already know?"
3. Admits zero accountability of where we are because everything is always someone or something else's fault. No remorse for any past behavior or choices made by him. Have yet to hear, yes, I could have tried harder or WE should work at saving this marriage. Its always about "why don't you change your mind?"
4. Will take action only when it inconveniences him or his life style. Has no empathy for me if it means he will have to work to change himself.
5. Deluded in thinking that his relationships with others is closer then it actually is. Recently told me "he feels a SOUL connection to me".
6. Avoids conflict at all costs. Does not like discussions of any sort that may get heated or force him to acknowledge his part in the negative situation. Will remain silent, proceed to do exactly as he wants. At some point will think of an excuse and blame his choices on external circumstances.
7. His brain switches off the moment I start speaking. Even if it is mundane stuff about every day life for which he has raised a query. Will sit through the discussion either mostly silent (while having an entire conversation in his own head), or will start speaking mid way about something completely different from topic at hand. Will raise the same query again in a matter of minutes / hours / days or weeks depending on when he feels the need to know about it. Still, no guarantee that he will actual hear what I am saying. When pointed out will show no remorse or even acknowledge that, that is the case. Will go on doing exactly the same every time.
8. Will rely on me for emotional support but is incapable of giving the same in return.
9. Emotionally unstable. Will cry no end for a dog on the street (expects me to look after all strays he gets home) while will sit completely unmoved by my pain. Dramatic about simple life events (Boss looked at me the wrong way, I am going to get fired).
10. Will lie, deny facts about whole conversations, timelines, incidents if it means he can pretend it didnt happen at all. I am delusional because I have made up these scenarios in my head.
11. Dismissive of my feelings or negates my feelings if inconvenient for him to deal with.
12. External Locus of Control - Temples, religion, astrologers, divine intervention, fate, circumstances....are responsible for what happens to him in life.
13. Financially incompetent - Always under estimates expenses and over estimates his capacity to pay them. No plan for the future.

I could go on a few more times....but these are the major ones that will keep reminding me of why what I am doing is much needed for my sanity, self respect and happiness.

And for any of you out there who think of going back because its too painful to separate....make your own list in comments.