Me (32M) and my wife (38F) have been together for six years and married for 3. We have a healthy relationship in a lot of ways (shared values and interests, good communication), but we also have some major challenges we’ve been working through recently that have me questioning if it’s best for us to stay together. Probably our biggest issue is sex. It was good early on when we would both initiate equally, but this tapered off after the first year. As the years passed I got tired of trying to initiate because I would get rejected more often than not, and when we would have sex it’s like she would do it to please me but not really enjoy it herself. That was pretty demoralizing for me because afterwards we’d usually have some awkward conversation about her needs and my needs which wouldn’t change anything anyways. She often wouldn’t act on my requested needs, and even when I tried to act on her needs she still wouldn’t enjoy the sex. She often tells me she wants me to be more“masculine” in the bedroom and that I’m too “passive” which turns her off.

Second issue is distance. We split our time as we are from different states. My home state (Alaska) is where all my work is, and where I operate my freelance business. I’ve tried splitting time 50/50 with her in her home state of Florida, where we bought a house, but I hardly ever get work there and I just don’t enjoy the culture as much. This year I realized I need to be here more of the year and not be spending so much time in Florida, as I was losing out on a lot of work in the winter months. We’ve talked about her moving to Alaska , which she says she’s open to as her work is more mobile , but when she’s spent time here previously, she complains about the lack of Hispanic culture and has a hard time with the cold and dark weather in the winter.

Late last year, she mentioned wanting to have a kid. I told her I was open to that but not until we figured out our sexual chemistry. This spring , we went on our belated honeymoon and I did find that our sex improved for a small amount of time, but once we returned home it went back to being subpar / lack of passion. In April, I left for Alaska, and about a month into my time there, I got a call from her asking to open the relationship. As it turns out, she met an older guy she felt a strong connection with who is part of her spiritual community, and was interested in seeing him as a sexual partner. I, being fed up with constantly trying to figure out a solution for this in our relationship, told her yes she could see him. Honestly, at the time I just wanted her to be happy and I didn’t have a lot of emotional capacity as I was building a cabin from the ground up which consumed most of my summer this year. We agreed that we would open the relationship and she told me I could see someone as well if I wanted to do that.

As it turns out, I met someone here in my home state who I became interested in, who ironically is in a similar situation as me with her partner. We haven’t been able to see each other yet outside of where she works (she’s a server at a small restaurant) due to a complicated rent to own living situation with her ex, but she’s definitely expressed interest in me , constantly flirts with me in a way I really like whenever I see her, and we have some really special things in common (we were both brought up in very similar unique / alternative ways and have similar outlook on life). I realized a few weeks after meeting her that I was thinking of her more than my wife romantically and sexually. Regardless if I do end up seeing her eventually, meeting her reminded me of what it’s like to connect with someone who I have a more natural sexual connection with.

Meanwhile, my wife stopped seeing her guy because he had some toxic habits that were affecting her productivity, and now she feels bad for “ruining our relationship “ as she put it. I told her it was just the way it went and it was probably something that would’ve come up one way or the other later in our relationship anyways.

I’m having a hard time with this because I still do care about and want to remain friends with my wife. We have a really solid foundation of trust and friendship, and we also own a house together which complicates things. But I honestly feel like at this point it’s hard due to how complex it’s gotten with other people in the mix, and my current feelings for this other gal. I also don’t want her to miss out on having a kid, and I don’t want to be the reason she misses that window.

Am I making the right choice?? Any advice appreciated 🙏🏼🙏🏼