It took me (40M) blowing up our 15-year marriage to realize my addiction/compulsion's full grip on my brain. What dopamine addiction can truly do to someone who does love their spouse and best friend.

I am not really sure how else to do or say this so here goes: I am personally, solely responsible for putting the final nail in our nearly 15-year marriage coffin. Thanks to my thrill seeking addiction of sexting strangers (on Reddit and elsewhere). My wife and I are best friends and always will be but I keep cheating virtually and trust is gone on her side. About three weeks ago, after someone took a screenshot of my face on chat roulette during my latest bullshit (mere hours after a therapy session I had, no less) whoever was on the other end was able to find my identity and texted and called me and my wife with evidence, trying to extort us both for money. We ignored this person but clearly I can't get my shit together when it comes to ridding myself of the thrill of sexting. To my own demise.

The already tenuous ground of our marriage, damaged by previous sexting betrayals (five times I was found out--five! Who gets that many chances to change?) gave way. My wife cannot and should not continue to deal with me doing this to her and it literally took divorce for my brain to show me what I will/AM actually losing before the full weight of my actions became clear. It feels like a bad horror movie.

I have now started going to weekly SAA meetings virtually, doubling down on individual therapy sessions to try and find the root of this behavior so it doesn't consume and ruin more of my life, and on all of the subreddits to try and gain insight from others who have been wronged and have done the wronging like me. My wife and I, we are going to cohabitate for several more months in separate bedrooms until we can sell the brand new dream home we built and moved into only a year ago. She will take our two dogs and I can see them sometimes. We don't have kids (thankfully) so we don't have to drag children through this.

Did I mention this feels like a goddamn horror movie?

Has anyone else been in this position? How did you handle it? I could use a word of advice as I'm continuing to feel pretty lost and shitty right now. Damn, do I feel hollow.

If you are reading this and there's still a chance of reconciliation with your spouse after you fucked up royally, own it. Do EVERYTHING you can to fight your demons and win back your marriage if you truly want that life and partnership. Lean on others for support instead of thinking you can just get over things on your own, like me. And if you have been a serial sexter, feel free to DM me so we can offer insight and support to each other.

Thanks for reading this far. And good luck to you.