I just got out of an 18 year long relationship, that was toxic and an emotional roller coaster, with a man that has anger issues, possibly BPD or something but he hasn't been diagnosed. I knew all that, I've known for awhile. The first ten years or so, it felt manageable. Then the kids started getting older and displaying their own mental health issues due to his behavior. We added another child. I got a chronic illness. It all became too much to manage and I broke.

For years the little voice telling me this wasn't ok, I just pushed it down. I was financially dependent on him and couldn't see a way out. The older I got, the louder the voice got and the harder it was to silence. We had one long night of conversation when I finally told him just how miserable I was and how terrible his behavior had been. He seemed like he really heard me. We started marriage counseling. We did therapy for years, idk at least 4. We eventually had a long and painful and traumatic separation. After all that therapy, he still couldn't help but to scream hateful, abusive things at me. I was spiraling out. I had a spiritual awakening. I started meditating to try to manage the constant anxiety. One day I was ruminating on thoughts of him and could hear this voice in my head that was not me, but it just sounded like chatter in the distance, then it kind of broke through my thoughts and screamed "abusive!" I think it was my higher self getting me to realize that he was abusive.

Since I haven't had his voice in my head daily, I've been able to recognize how every hateful thing he screamed at me was actually him screaming at himself. He was manipulating me the whole time. One of the last times we talked, he sent me spiraling into a hole of self loathing. I was up until 3am with his hateful words running around my head over and over. I woke up the next morning wanting to kill myself. I put on a video on YouTube about narcissism and everything in the video sounded like my life. I went no contact at that point. I realized he had been triangulating my children and my parents and everyone against me. He was acting like he was taking responsibility for his past behavior but he was constantly looking for reasons it was my fault that he acted that way. He completely rewrote history to make him sound better and me sound worse. I was a young mother that was financially dependent on an undiagnosed mentally ill man, who didn't have the capability of being a good husband and father. I was trying to manage it the best I can. Trying to teach my children to be kind and loving while this insane man screamed at them and spanked them way too hard and often. Of course my mental health started to crumble and now he's trying to paint me as crazy, lazy, a slut, a golddigger (the 4 horseman of misogyny! That's another thing, I didn't realize how misogynistic and controlling he was).

It's like he was this great guy 70% of the time, or at least he was good at putting on a show, and kind of a dick 20% of the time. And a fucking monster 10% of the time. He never hit me. He never even called me names. I never felt like I had to worry about him cheating on me until the end. I thought that was enough. I thought that was all I could expect from a man.

We have two grown children and they haven't spoken to him in months. They both have mental health issues, likely cptsd. I probably have c-ptsd though I'm doing well at the moment. The youngest only goes to his house cause she's legally obligated to. I can't believe I allowed this situation to happen. I can't believe this is the man I chose to be the father of my children. I had no idea what I was signing up for.

The crazy thing is, I still can't help but see the kind hearted person I know he can be. I think he feels great shame for how he's behaved. And then when feeling it gets to be too much, he goes deep in his ego and uses his narcissism to protect himself, tells himself a hundred reasons why his behavior was acceptable. A big one being "I worked my ass off to pay for shit" which is a common theme I've seen from abusers "I pay for things so I get to use you as my emotional punching bag".

I feel like such a stereotype.

-grew up with a dad that treated my mom like shit -my parents got divorced during my teen years and had no energy for me so I obsessed over guys -accepted shit treatment from men. Got pregnant by a really shitty man during my teen years -got away from that abusive man, ended up with a less abusive man -got chronically ill after years of abuse -got abandoned by abusive man for calling out his behavior -now living in poverty, can't work full time, and with a family full of trauma

What kind of man will ever want to get involved with this mess? I know I'm a woman that brings so much to a relationship and I have hope that I'll find a quality man that will see my worth. But I also worry that I look like a hot mess from the outside and good men will move on to another, less complicated relationship option.

That ended up being much longer than intended. Also I'm feeling anxious that he's going to see this and I'm going to "face consequences". I always had the feeling of being in trouble with him and I still can't shake the fear.