Our former anniversary is tomorrow. We separated two years ago and since then have barely even been friends. We weren’t that great at being married. Maybe we were just too young. Got married at 22yo. Tbh it started heading south a year and a half in. We just dragged it another 3 years. Yet despite all that, here I am just as depressed and lonely as I’ve ever been.

Can’t even say I want her back. In reality, we have very critical discrepancies that prove we were never meant to be. Not that I’ve ever really believed in “the one” or “meant to be” anyway. I just can’t help but reflect on all the ways I’ve failed in life. Never imagined I’d be married and divorced all before 30. And now that I’m less than a year away from 30, I’m overwhelmed with the feeling that it’s just all downhill.

The hill was never even that great to begin with. My childhood didn’t exist, my teen years were lonely as hell, and my 20s were wasted on a joke of a marriage. I know I have a lot of life to live, if my kidneys let me, but it’s so hard to see any good coming. It seems no matter what I do or how hard I try to be a good person, I somehow always find to blow it. Or it just blows up on its own.

I know the spiral will stop and the pain will pass. At least the worst of it. It’s just hard getting through it. Sometimes doesn’t really feel worth it but it’ll be fine. I miss the days where I lived like a robot and suppressed my feelings so far down they didn’t even exist. I just feel so stupid for feeling like this still. And for holding on to some glimmer of hope that love actually exists. For me anyway.