TW: Abuse

I (27M) am going through a divorce with the person (28F) I have spent my whole adult life with. We met in university when I was 18M and she was 19F, and we've been completely inseperable ever since. We're splitting up for a lot of reasons, a lot of very good reasons as well but I don't know how to even begin to know a new person like I knew her. I also feel completely mentally destroyed from the relationship.

I have been an alcoholic for nearly all those years and she matched me with the drinking and drugs for a lot of it. There were times where she was physically, sexually and emotionally abusive but she came from a really difficult upbringing because of her mother being an addict too so I can see why she got frustrated. Me being an alcoholic ruined a lot of things for us and turned me into a man I hated. I was also no joy to be with when sober, I would lie about loads of stuff, even little stupid things that made no sense to me. My therapist told me this was a defense mechanism cause of her violent reactions but maybe I'm just lying to him too?

I guess what I'm really scared of is never finding someone who I share such a connection with again. Cause even through all the faults and difficulties there was so much love there and I think there still is. I also think of all the baggage I have, I mean who wants to be with a divorced ex-alcoholic with deep-set fears and two crazy dogs? What if I'm great for a while and all my bad parts show up again? Who am I without the one person I've shared such a big part of my life with?