Thanks in advance for reading this.. it’s a long one.

Me (41, M) and my partner (41, F) of 10 years have separated. It has been about 2 months now. I’m still heartbroken.

10 years ago we moved together to a regional town for my work. The first 5 years was generally good. We made new lives in a new town together, we did lots of travelling and had a good time. There were a few hiccups which I now recognise as red flags (communication issues and sex incompatibly), but I wasn’t to know. I thought compromise was important in relationships.

About 5 years ago she was diagnosed with a thyroid condition. She lost her libido and generally wasn’t feeling the best. For about a year there was very little sex. We had a conversation and we thought we were doing the right thing by scheduling weekly sex. She found a good Dr and got appropriate treatment. She got her health back, although I’m not convinced her sex drive ever came back. During the time of little sex I joined internet forums to satisfy my sex drive. She didn’t tell me until the break up but she had found it and was hurt. I never cheated on her, but can see how it looks like I might of. For this I’m deeply sorry and I regret it. I was off the forum within a week, and was not happy with myself, but thought there was no damage done.

About 6 years ago, I asked her if she ever wanted to try for children. We were both 35, so time was not on our side. She said yes, but had to check with her Dr to make sure it’s safe. I told her to let me know and the ball was now in her court. I never heard back from her on this topic. For the next 4 years, every 6 months or so I would bring this topic up, and every time she would say yes but would not want to talk about it. She never said anything about this herself at anytime.

We obviously had communication issues. We communicated on different wavelengths. She never wanted to talk about the hard topics such as “where do you see us in 5 years time” and “do you want children”. I would occasionally bring such topics up, but she answered them swiftly and made it pretty clear she didn’t wanted to talk about them. I found it hard to have D&M conversations with her. She considers herself as a communication guru, and people are instantly attracted to her when they meet her as she comes across as understanding and emphatic. But at home, she was just too stubborn or just did not have the ability to have meaningful conversations. In the last 2 years of the relationship this made me feel very lonely and somewhat depressed.

We both come from different cultures. She is Anglo Australian. Her family are nice and full of love, but are different to my family which are European. I suppose I was raised more with traditional customs which I find important. I didn’t think this was a major factor, but maybe it was.

So about 2 months ago, I was a bit stressed from work. I had a week off planned. I had asked her if she could take a week off as well so we could holiday in another city, but unfortunately she couldn’t get the time off. So I told her I was happy just to chill by myself for a week, but for whatever reason she really got on my back and told me I needed to get out of town. After a few days of her constant whinging and harassment I flipped and had an emotional breakdown. It all came out and things got emotional. She then said she needed time to think so she spent 2 nights in a hotel.

We then met back at home and she told me she wanted out. She said that the relationship had run its course and we would be both happier apart. She also said she had trust issues with me. I disagreed. I said we just both need a break, and a couple of good conversations. I explained that my internet forum activity was me just trying to release sexual energy, and at no time did I ever cheat on her in the past 10 years.

She is known to be stubborn. I have even had her family members early on tell me that she was stubborn. She was so stubborn, that she was not interested in talking about this. I suggested counselling which she had no interest in. After 10 years, she was gone.

Now I’m deeply heartbroken in this small regional town by myself. I have just been offered a lucrative business deal which would keep me in town for the next 10 years, but now I’m not sure. I’m contemplating leaving town and started from scratch back down in the city. I’m sitting alone in my penthouse apartment by the beachside and I don’t know what I’m going to do.

Thank you for reading.

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04/09/2023 update;

I just met the ex to pick up some spare keys. She tells me she is leaving this Sunday for a 4 week holiday to Europe. A holiday that we had planned to do together for the past 2 years. I don’t know why, but I’m absolutely devastated. I have been bawling my eyes out for the past hour. My best memories with her were travelling overseas together. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I think I am clinically depressed.

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